the biggest idiot is the one we make ourselves into

I fought moving back into the trivia contest scene, tooth and nail. I was angry. I felt like the world had thrown me away and there was nothing for me except to hunker down and save myself. In that mindset, I released my husband and he was going off to do something he loves alone. The kick in the ass was when I found an email to a woman trivia friend – he told her how beautiful she was inside and out and how her presence brings such good energy. He gave her tickets we won and planned to meet her to  play trivia by bumming a ride with someone – he would have snuck to be with this woman and play trivia. It knocked me off my ass like nothing else ever could.

I know our life together has been hard. Bad things, too many of my kids, the seperation from his kids, deaths in his family, now unemployment – he said I push my way into things where I don’t belong and to be with me, he knows he has to deal with it because it’s how I am. OUCH.

I found myself checking his email and his facebook looking in his sent file and trash – the woman never responds even to his courtesies. I know it’s innocent. It still hurts me. He brushes it off to me making too big a deal about it. He’s here. He loves me. We have sex wonderfully. I can go with him to play trivia. I can’t however play in the tournaments because there is only room for 6 team members and I gave up my spot – the tournaments are where he will see her. That is hard for me to know. 

We still have no money. We still need so much. I don’t know what will change this year, except that I will change this year. I am not giving up my husband. I have the ability to not be an idiot and to not throw a fit over this woman who is only a threat because I made her one. I told Steve how I felt knowing he’d sneak to play trivia with her. I told him I snuck into his email account and asked him to change his password. He hasn’t – but I haven’t gone back into his account either.

It’s a rough spot – but with trivia and sex, has come renewed conversation. I have high hopes that we will get through this. My back is actually better and getting outside is good for me. My son is going to be a man just like his daddy and while that’s not perfect, it sure isn’t bad.

I have to leave for 3 weeks to help my daughter after her baby is born. It’s a long time when things are just straightening out. I have to trust my guys will be ok without me as I help my daughter and new grandson adjust into their relationship as mother and son. 3 weeks…I don’t want to leave home for that long. Life is something, ain’t it?


About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its bounds. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom focused non denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and a rescued kitten. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow go.
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