can we find the hump so we can move on???

Since the last post, My daughter told me they can only continue to assist us financially through September. The EBT suffered a foul up and we made do with $200 this month, AND Steve’s been feeling poorly. The heat almost did him in one day – he was dizzy and weak and having chest pains. I was so worried. We paid my bank bills and the Internet only getting help with water and electric, but it put us a month behind on the house payment. I have tried not to stress, but I stressed.

Today I asked Steve if I should make the housepayment or hold off till we got money next week. He said hold off and I expressed my concern about going 2 payments back and he acted like I had just sawed his knees off. Every time I tried to talk to him or express my concern, he’s done that grunt thing that blocks me out and refused to get involved in any conversation about what to do. He’s gone outside acting like I am the bad guy. I’ve spent the whole month cautioning about pennies and extras and he has been oblivious. Now he’s all huffy, but I can’t eat lettuce and shit money. Plus the garden is all but dead from this heat – it’s been no help. A couple sweet friends have helped with perk me ups – one send a precious package with hair dye and makeup and little feel good things for each of us – including Steve. The other paypaled me money. I don’t know if I can ever express how loved I feel from my online family.

So now I’ve made the house payment, run the account to almost $0 again, and we will start in for another month. I’m reading articles on how to be homeless; not because I am planning on it, but just in case. My daughter thinks I need to plan for the worst. I’d rather a job happens to us. 18 more applications filled out this week, some to old places I’d hit like CVS, Rite Aide, JoAnn’s Crafts, Walmart, KMart, Kentec, Kroger, Public’s…applications say they have 6 month life spans. I canceled the home phone again. We have Netflix and the Internet so we don’t go insane. I’ve found myself falling into the trap of harping about Steve putting in applications instead of encouraging him to do whatever his brother will let him do for $15 an hour. It’s such an awful cycle and it hurts both of us.

Sex has slid to a stop – he just doesn’t want it and I am constantly rebuffed though he tries not to hurt my feelings – I can’t help it, it always does. My desire is huge, egged on by the hormonal imbalance. My period is scant and affected by the beginnings of menopause I’m sure. I just wish it would make up it’s mind instead of dragging on for days and wasting my precious tampons. At $8 a box, they are more expensive than anything else I call a need for myself. G needs shoes and school supplies, clothes would be such a plus. He never complains. He never asks for anything. He never plans. I feel like my child is being crushed through this experience. He doesn’t branch out and try new things because there is no money. He lets me show him what wild plants are edible. He tries out demo video games online. He smiles, plays with the dog, and says I love you mommy exery 30 seconds. He feels my strain.

V sent sonogram pics of the baby. So tiny, so sweet. I wish I had yarn to make it something. I hope IT is a girl but if not woohoo anyway! Isaac will have a playmate! He’s crawling and growing and standing now. He’s so beautiful. Kansas is planning his life because his release could come any time now. Taryn is on hold – 20 and waiting. Sigh… I want such good things for all of us.

The government has us whipped up over the budget and debt ceiling – if not raised, it could effect my kids and it will probably hasten our downhill slide as more people have less discretionary income.

so I guess that’s my update. Hope still resides. My gramma used to say Pray like everything depends on God and work like it all depends on YOU. Smartest lady I ever knew.


About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its bounds. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom focused non denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and a rescued kitten. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow go.
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