Sometimes I think I must be very wicked

I know that’s not true, but the thought still comes.

I don’t understand how we can try so very hard and nothing works out for us. Friends have sweet words about how everyone is struggling and it will work out – but I saw an entire house payment that took us 3 months to gather handed to a man who pulled my teeth in under 10 minutes. AND I have to pay him MORE when there isn’t any more. My water and electric and gas are sitting at 2 months back. My phone is on for 2 more days. The Internet will be no good without the electric. We have no firewood. we can’t do ebay because of fees we no longer have. Our home is entering foreclosure. Oh, and the DFCS office called leaving a number that is full and won’t take messages.

Maybe if I set out some pots, I can catch all this rain and do something with it. It’s sure as heck pouring right now.

If I disappear, you know why.

There is land to move onto – I think that’s something. We have to hit the wall first and I know this. I’m trying to hide my eyes though, as emotionally, I don’t feel positive or strong even though I know I will be.


About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its bounds. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom focused non denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and a rescued kitten. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow go.
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2 Responses to Sometimes I think I must be very wicked

  1. kathy says:

    I understand what you’re saying Amber. I also wanted you to not worry about the bill, but only so your sweet self could heal a little, not because I think things will work out. I’m not so sure about that for any of us. I just don’t know. It’s easy for people to say not to worry and everything will work out but the one struggling for food, let a lone a house payment, needs more than empty words. You’re in the deep trenches of unknown and that is scary. I’m so sorry you have to walk this path right now. I’m here to listen……scream, shake your fists, cry. I’m listening, dear friend.

  2. ♥ Kathy. the days just blend together, you know? Today’s dramatic question – Why can’t we go through our things without fighting? Steve starts picking out my Native American items to try to sell and I have this huge wave of protective “it’s mine” swell over me. I have a Donald Vann signed, framed poster – depicting the trail of tears that was a gift to me. It has a $35 price tag, new and unframed. It won’t even make a dent in the needs around here. I need the strength to just let go and I’m too fucking weak to muster it.

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