I wonder how many of us are really clowns? White face, painted on smile, tears from the night, hidden. I have to keep up the happy face and act like things will get better for those around me. The littlest thing though sends me to a spot where no one can see my tears.

I’m afraid I’m too old to live off the land, you know? Steve’s looking for someplace to move in the $15,000 range. We need to be able to lower that to the $2,000 range. Literally, we have nothing anymore. His brother had heart surgery and now we are down our $400 a month we were living on. There are no food stamps, no welfare, no medicaid. Georgia’s system is so fucked up and with Republicans in office, they are cutting services, not fixing what’s broken. I sound like a broken record. I’m sure everyone knows where the govt is broken. me and G have cavities that are fast approaching the point of not being able to fix them. All three are front teeth – for him, and me. Steve keeps having bad heart palpatations and I know he thinks he’s just gonna have to die if he has a heart attack. This thing with his genetics and his brother’s open heart surgery has him really quiet. I’m scared too.

I got up this morning to G asking me for pencils. His pencils are less than 2″ long. I looked in every drawer and every place I could think of and couldn’t find even one. He’s got a few pages of blank paper and no pencils. I used my change to get him a birthday cake and pizza for his 16th. There is no more change. I don’t know what to do.

I have all this stuff around me but no one buys anything when we list it. I have yarn and so does the rest of the world – I can’t keep asking my friends to buy what I make. God help us. Even more pressing is the food. We are running out of things daily. Ketchup is gone. Two slices of bread are left. Milk is less than 1/3 a gallon. We have maybe 10 can’s of Campbell’s soup, 3 eggs, a pkg of cheese, and all those cans of 35 yr old freeze dried food that it’s starting to look like we are gonna have to eat. I tried some a couple months ago. It was a country stew. My stomach cramped for an hour afterwards and I had horrific, cramping gas afterwards, but technically, it didn’t make me sick. Jackie ate it and farted terribly too. I’m so messed up. I don’t want to eat it. Fuck me for crying over it. Fuck me for being so weak. I was listening to Bobby Goldsboro’s song See The Funny Little Clown. When I try to bring the changes we are facing to the level of reality, Steve can’t take it. I shouldn’t have helped anyone over the years. I shouldn’t have gone to mexico for my daughter’s wedding. We shouldn’t have built the deck. We shouldn’t have bought the refridgerator or the television. We shouldn’t have planned like the future would be normal. We should have hoarded every penny because now this situation is my fault in his opinion. He loves me, he’s not going anywhere, but he has to place blame. He thinks Geoffrey is totally right to be offended over loosing our home.

I know there are things to say thank you to the Universe for – but I want to scream. I WANT TO SCREAM! My smile is running…the paint is dripping off my chin. I don’t know what to do. I thought about asking if someone could send us pencils and I started crying again. People don’t want to hear this shit.


About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its bounds. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom focused non denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and a rescued kitten. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow go.
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5 Responses to clowns

  1. bicky says:

    yes we do want to hear it. i think about you every day. every damned day. i think often, how the hell does she do it? with this damned economy, we are all forced into being stronger than we thought we’d ever need to be. i think of watching old movies about the dust bowl and stuff like that and wondering how the children made it out alive. those kids were our parents. if you can hang on tight enough, and squeeze hard enough, something comes out of nothing. dont let steve’s blame game get to you. its his way of dealing. and you better let those tears roll. if you dont rid yourself of it somehow, there is no room for the good to enter. use that yarn. put your head down and work. i am sending money as soon as we get this check we are waiting on. and you will not say thank you, and you will not cuss me for sending it. its a circle and its on way back to you. my dad used to say when you dont know what else to do, just put your head down and work until the job is done. then when youre done, youll look up and there will be blue skies. i hear it in my head a lot these days. and following it always helped me. i love you.

  2. Melissa, I remember once when G was little and had the flu. He cried how throwing up and having diarreah at the same time wasn’t fair. Seems like that’s become life’s normal these days. You sit on the pot and hold a bucket and hope for better that is just not happening. As much as you want to get up, you just can’t. You have no idea how bad I want to give in and say FML but I can’t do that either.
    Kayla’s out of minutes so I can’t use my phone. I can’t pay on my phone and the damned food stamp people need to reach me on mine. Verizon stole my end of month money to make me buy minutes on the pre-pay. GD ’em. I have to put my $100 from cleaning today into the bank to pay for my teeth being pulled in December. G found pencils in the school lost and found the teacher said he could have. We’re going to use G’s Target gift card from Christmas to buy toilet paper and pet food. I can’t even think about gas for the jimmy.
    I love your dad’s saying…kinda like Gramma’s – pray like everything depends on God and work like it all depends on you. G has decided he likes a girl and doesn’t want us to move. He let us know we need to try harder to find a job. SIGH.

  3. bicky says:

    oh i wish i could be close by to hug you! can you make me a list of school things g needs? we will collect and mail them to him. my neighbors and i will hook him up. be specific if there is something he treasures too 😉
    money on its way to you within the week, too. love you!

    • sweetie, we always see how kids get stacks of stuff as supplies. He never asks for anything. He knows the difference between wants and needs. He needs a pack of pencils, a pack of loose leaf paper, graph paper and a couple of click pens that he can’t chew (he chews caps and barrels god help him) I think he needs fine tip markers. He wants a drawing journal. Something that won’t bleed through. The markers are for his homework though. He keeps asking me if I have any that the tips are good on. Other than that, keep a look out for (cool) cheap tee shirts Men’s medium and 32×32 jeans? Used are totally fine. He’s worn polo shirts and kahki’s all his life but he’s met a girl and has started to change it up. Treasures? I don’t know. We don’t talk about treasures much. I could probably get everything he needs for $20. I keep wondering how long $20 is gonna stay so out of reach? I talk about rehoming the cats and he goes off the deep end. It’s like getting rid of him to save money.

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