I wonder how many of us are really clowns? White face, painted on smile, tears from the night, hidden. I have to keep up the happy face and act like things will get better for those around me. The littlest thing though sends me to a spot where no one can see my tears.
I’m afraid I’m too old to live off the land, you know? Steve’s looking for someplace to move in the $15,000 range. We need to be able to lower that to the $2,000 range. Literally, we have nothing anymore. His brother had heart surgery and now we are down our $400 a month we were living on. There are no food stamps, no welfare, no medicaid. Georgia’s system is so fucked up and with Republicans in office, they are cutting services, not fixing what’s broken. I sound like a broken record. I’m sure everyone knows where the govt is broken. me and G have cavities that are fast approaching the point of not being able to fix them. All three are front teeth – for him, and me. Steve keeps having bad heart palpatations and I know he thinks he’s just gonna have to die if he has a heart attack. This thing with his genetics and his brother’s open heart surgery has him really quiet. I’m scared too.
I got up this morning to G asking me for pencils. His pencils are less than 2″ long. I looked in every drawer and every place I could think of and couldn’t find even one. He’s got a few pages of blank paper and no pencils. I used my change to get him a birthday cake and pizza for his 16th. There is no more change. I don’t know what to do.
I have all this stuff around me but no one buys anything when we list it. I have yarn and so does the rest of the world – I can’t keep asking my friends to buy what I make. God help us. Even more pressing is the food. We are running out of things daily. Ketchup is gone. Two slices of bread are left. Milk is less than 1/3 a gallon. We have maybe 10 can’s of Campbell’s soup, 3 eggs, a pkg of cheese, and all those cans of 35 yr old freeze dried food that it’s starting to look like we are gonna have to eat. I tried some a couple months ago. It was a country stew. My stomach cramped for an hour afterwards and I had horrific, cramping gas afterwards, but technically, it didn’t make me sick. Jackie ate it and farted terribly too. I’m so messed up. I don’t want to eat it. Fuck me for crying over it. Fuck me for being so weak.
http://youtu.be/dbwokmNkr-k I was listening to Bobby Goldsboro’s song See The Funny Little Clown. When I try to bring the changes we are facing to the level of reality, Steve can’t take it. I shouldn’t have helped anyone over the years. I shouldn’t have gone to mexico for my daughter’s wedding. We shouldn’t have built the deck. We shouldn’t have bought the refridgerator or the television. We shouldn’t have planned like the future would be normal. We should have hoarded every penny because now this situation is my fault in his opinion. He loves me, he’s not going anywhere, but he has to place blame. He thinks Geoffrey is totally right to be offended over loosing our home.
I know there are things to say thank you to the Universe for – but I want to scream. I WANT TO SCREAM! My smile is running…the paint is dripping off my chin. I don’t know what to do. I thought about asking if someone could send us pencils and I started crying again. People don’t want to hear this shit.