revisiting

Seems I am revisiting lessons on relationships lately. Man I don’t want to go there. I want someone to simply understand me and know where I’m coming from. I hate walking in life like everyone is fragile. I get it. I do. People’s lives are bigger than my survival mode. They want me to get over myself. OK. Roger wilco and I won’t trouble them again.

The job didn’t come through.

We clean house, need but don’t get welfare or food stamps, and my political views are stupid. Got that too. Message received.

House payment 2 months behind again. No where to turn except Steve’s brother. Ball in someone else’s court. Put my blinders firmly in place and play like life is fine. Maybe I’ll fake it and make it. I sure hope so.

One day, I want to be able to give back to others like we have been given TO. May the Universe bless those who didn’t turn a blind eye. May it bless those who did too, and let their live’s path diverge from mine because I am tired of the judgmental crap that says I’m not trying hard enough. I could live my whole life forward and never hear how I need to count my blessings because some else is crippled or their home is smashed up again. I get left feeling accused of ingratitude and that is so far from the truth. I AM grateful constantly, but I also fight these fucking tears non-stop. Don’t ask me how I am. I really understand it’s a courtesy. I don’t need placation.

That is all.

 

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About Green Jean Granny

I believe in and practice positive living with a bit of a barb it seems. I love YARN, music, reading, history, and gemstones. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its beliefs. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a (not so) quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a nondenominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in The Republic of Congo, married to the son of a preacher, with 3 spoiled dogs and and an add on (my daughter's pit bull lives here for a bit while she hikes the Appalachian Trail. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative disc disease and fibromyalgia. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and diabetes and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow going. Our 10 kitties were rehomed by rescue after his stroke.
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2 Responses to revisiting

  1. bicky says:

    i wish we were closer so i could hug you daily. i know the feelings you are swimming in, i took a swim in them from 2002-2006 when kent was laid off. you end up just getting up and trudging through each day, wondering how youll keep it together, and there IS an other side, but you cant see, hear, feel or know it. until youre there, and then you will find yourself wondering how the hell you managed to not completely flatten out from it all. i do hope i help you hold up, lovey. what you are going through is just steps out of hell, but i have faith for you that things will right themselves. im always holding you up, from way up here in Virginia. love you.

  2. honey you always hold me up. mercury Retrograde happening right now and I’m feeling it. Steve’s retreating into us and being antisocial and it doesn’t help. I just feel isolated and alone right now. I know it has to pass. It has to. I love you.

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