begging

do you have any idea how it feels to beg someone to let you barter with them for your child’s care? I have office skills, I will clean their house. I’ll work their garden, I’ll knit something wonderful…. I’ll do anything.

To really beg….omg I want to crawl into a hole. No answer, they’ll look at the x-rays and see if they can try a different treatment and get back to me. I just want someone to lift this shit off my shoulders and fix things. I hate when this stuff moves towards PEAK again. Foreclosure, peak, dental care, peak, cats, peak, my fears are freaking eating me alive. Steve’s health, peak. My health, peak. Goddamn. How much more can we take?

The hardest part is there is no safe place to say how I really feel… there is never a safe place.

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About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its bounds. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom focused non denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and a rescued kitten. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow go.
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5 Responses to begging

  1. bicky says:

    first off, its more common than you realize, take a breath lovey. hell, id be proud to have something to offer, i cant knit, i refuse to babysit, and i wont clean a toilet, except my own. in fact, id probably rob a bank before id offer to clean someones toilet. dont feel shame, you have amazing barterable skills! stand up and own it. you are suffering, i know. but you are weighed down. do you not see that by offering to barter, you are lessening your load? youre letting someone else take a piece of your load! BE PROUD, MOMMA! if one doctor wont barter, move on to another one. somewhere down the line, one of them will show themselves to have a heart, or at least need a terrific shawl for their honey and then you can trade skills with each other!

  2. I over reacted – it was the exchange itself that hurt so bad. medicade won’t cover it, they are sorry there’s nothing they can do. I cried and asked and she brushed me off so fast. I felt worthless and it showed. I’m just not handling this well right now. Thanks though. I’ll try to approach them first, rather than as a last resort.

  3. Jen says:

    Oh honey. (((hugs))) Asking for help IS a sign of strength. Which is what you were doing. There is NO shame in that.

  4. bicky says:

    i know its hard, youve felt defeated for a long time, but if you dont shrug it off, it will never let go of you! i wish you were here, id hug you so damn hard!

  5. I think it will get better once we hit the wall – this yo-yo stuff is just bad. I’ve been the polyanna all my life and I feel like my positive is loosing it’s stretch. I need that hug so badly.

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