I guess I’m hiding.

Had another row with hubby. He blames me for the money mess – I’m tired of being blamed. WE, TOGETHER, should have been more careful, but no one could have planned for this situation. We got 7 of 8 kids cared for as best we could – We had paper routes for godsakes for too many years. For 3 years, we had enough and should have been smarter. And then we were both laid off. Yes, we had our hands on some money over the years – but do we kick each other for a trip to Mexico? Or a storage shed, or a deck we had built, or paint and carpet and home repairs? Do I have to be forever guilty for thinking we were gonna be ok? It never entered my mind my job would go down the toilet first.

I am so tired.

We got the foreclosure papers on the house again yesterday. That gives us about 6 weeks total to figure something out. The kids thought we should have bailed last time, but G has to finish his school year. Steve may be mad at me, but I couldn’t have changed this. Apparently I’ve failed again in my life – but I can’t imagine how I could have done differently or better. Apparently, he imagines it all the time.

I don’t know what will happen to us. I don’t know where we will go. I don’t know what we will salvage out of our lives. I don’t even know if he will figure something out at the last moment. I don’t know if we will be together.

I just know I’m tired.


About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its bounds. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom focused non denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and a rescued kitten. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow go.
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2 Responses to I guess I’m hiding.

  1. Jennifer says:

    I wondered why you had been quiet lately. I know you know this, but I am going to tell you this anyway. It is not your fault. I love you girl!

  2. bicky says:

    when everything spins out of control, it always feels better to blame someone. so, blame HIM. kent and i did that dance through the bouts of unemployment, and when we nearly lost everything in 2008, i blamed his ex. after all, she knew we were going to be garnished, we were the last to know. a little warning from ANYONE would have been nice. it felt better to blame her, but ultimately you end up realizing, yes you could have done things differently. but you cant do a damn thing about it now. so you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and say, well, that was not fun, lets see what we can do differently. and by gods, youve definitely done things differently for the last few years havent ya!? i hope you used the passion stirred up during a row with steve and worked magic with it. one of the biggest fights kent and i had one time led me to some magickal workings, that i swear to this day, solved our problems at the time. plus fighting releases the steam off the boiling pot that you are when youre all stressed. its nobodys fault, its everybodys fault, meh. men. love you!

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