battling sleep monsters

I sent the last round of requested paperwork over to BOA last night. The lady said they were late but she’d just asked for them on Friday night. I think it was her way of saying it’s not gonna matter. BOA sent us a 60-90 day notice on the 1st of this month saying we had to vacate before HUD takes ownership of we had 10 days from the date of the letter to get paperwork to HUD so they could determine a fair market value rent for us to pay. Staying would only be temporary.

I can’t sleep. I’m pleading for help in my dreams even. I wake up thinking I’m sorting and stacking and trying to decide what I need, and what I can live without.

We are holding together as a couple which is a relief. G is vaguely aware of what’s happening. I’m trying not to talk about this with anyone because I know it makes people uncomfortable – hell, it makes me uncomfortable. I’ve always been the go to person in our lives and this is so hard for me to handle in silence. Steve barely talks about it and I don’t push it. Depression is barely on the fringes and it EATS US ALIVE if we let it in.

How am I supossed to handle this? I am slap broke and need storage – V said get boxes off Craig’s list…I have no money for gas to go get free boxes. I remember how many times we packed up the stationwagon when I was a kid and loaded in however many kids we had and drove to a new city and lived at the road side rest. NO, it wasn’t good practice. I had a shitty childhood.

I don’t know what to do.

Funny how we always begin with memories. Pictures. Genealogy papers. Family bible. Papers.

I guess I’ll try to document how it goes.


About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its bounds. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom focused non denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and a rescued kitten. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow go.
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