thinking out loud

How long do people live with unforgiveness and remain uneffected? Is it helpful to surround someone with thoughts of love when they reject you? After so many years of wanting someone so badly, does it become self abuse to reach out to them and keep hoping they will allow you back in their lives? Is there any comfort for one separated from loved ones? Ever? How does the one loving the person who hurts get through to them and past the pain? This empathic shit steals my sleep – and honestly, feeling someone’s pain and being walled away from them sometimes is more than I can stand. HERE is a soul connection denied. One that I am so tempted to hex, zap, work intentions towards… the separation of Steve from his now grown daughters has stolen so much of our lives together. In Steve’s mind, his girls were and are perfection. Maybe feeling blocked out and like we don’t measure up is what I project into the scenario. It’s high freaking tide for him right now and once again, I’m riding it out – He never says a word, but I KNOW. I hate these spikes in his attachment –   I try to separate myself from his experience, but his comments about my kids, take me by suprise. He says things in such a matter of fact way like I’m his confidant that they are messed up. I know they can be shits, but my gods, we work through the anger and issues and move on. I shouldn’t have to apologize for loving someone imperfect. I love him and he’s sure as hell far from perfect. Sometimes I wish he would get the courage to get off the guilt train. Life can get pretty sad when you straddle a fence. So….how’s this for a morning rant? It can be a lonely place when you love someone who can’t pull you into his heart because he’s built a wall of guilt.

Why does this seem like what I think about him, self applies to me? I guess we hold on for a lifetime, don’t we?


About Green Jean Granny

I believe in and practice positive living with a bit of a barb it seems. I love YARN, music, reading, history, and gemstones. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its beliefs. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a (not so) quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a nondenominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and an add on (a rescued kitten). Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative disc disease and fibromyalgia. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow going. Our 10 kitties were rehomed by rescue after his stroke.
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