It’s cool in the mornings now and Steve is working on the deck and the yard – I can’t wait to be able to have my coffee out there again. He painted the umbrella stand last night. He also moved that crappy canned, dried, 30 yr old food outside to the shed to open a little at a time and compost. We would have eaten it to save our lives, but damn it was nasty. And the gas it caused was horrid.
When we cleaned house Tuesday, Bobby was moving out. No word about not needing us, he just confirmed he was moving back in with Sam. So we will loose one cleaning job. Down $100. We need every penny. At the same time, When we got home, Beth (yes our sweet Beth) asked me to make a baby set for her. And one of V’s friends asked for 4 hats! This months $100 is covered. Paid knitting rocks. I don’t know how we will manage everything, but we have and I have to trust it will continue. I have plans for more knitting. I have to pray for fast fingers! And focus!
The fall feels close. I feel my grandmother near.
My neice Christina has shared some things with me that while I knew they were there, really hurt me for HER. I faced the usual “Amber as family scapegoat crap” used to hurt someone else who they want to shame into conformity. I don’t give a shit anymore until I hear they’ve done it to someone and caused them pain. “Allright Amber” stung Christy badly because they tell her I was a liar. They say to this day no one believes me because I lie for attention. I WAS ABUSED. I TOLD ON THE ABUSER. THEY WERE MORE COMFORTABLE BELIEVING I WAS A LIAR THAN PROTECTING ME. I WAS A LITTLE CHILD WHO HURT HERSELF. I pulled out my hair in chunks. I scratched sores on my face and scalp. I tried to smother my baby brother because mama made me watch him while she and Harry had sex and he screamed. I put a pillow over his head. What else does a little kid do? I was neglected. I was ignored. I was beat. I was constantly called a liar. I cared about no one and nothing. I was a slob. I read constantly. I wanted to be an only child because harry would push me and Troy into each other repeatedly until we were crying and we fought each other. Like dogs fighting. We were so hungry. I WAS HUNGRY. I knew the headache would go away on the 3rd day. What child should know that? I could say so much more. The drinking, the vomiting, the let downs of an alcoholic father. The extreme religion that came. the sexual abuse. The isolation. Yeah, I became a liar. I became very self involved. I learned how to protect myself. I let others take beatings to save myself. I understand why I have no relationship with my siblings except superficially. I understand why I am estranged from my parents except superficially. I am no longer a secret keeper. I am no longer a liar. I do not stand by and let people hurt others I care about and call them “Amber” without telling the person why they do it. They do it because they DID NOT PROTECT ME FROM ABUSE. They did not listen. To my neice Christina, who’s beautiful name means, One who listens… I give you this… if they call you AMBER You can claim the name and wear it with pride! I love you honey. My beautiful neice who is not listened to either… you are worth EVERYTHING.