Change

This morning’s FB status: I remember Gramma saying life is about CHANGE. Well, some days it’s about the change in your pocket. Some days it’s about physical change, and some days it knowing that the only person we can really change is ourselves.

My God I realized how crazy my husband drives himself. Yesterday we waited for an hour in the back rooms at the Dr’s office listening to her chatter with other patients as she worked her way to us. I brought my knitting and actually enjoyed myself and loved the quiet time with Steve. I also enjoyed the nuances of our Dr’s personality and the quiet room and reading the posters. He excused himself to walk the dog and by the time he came back, she was with me. He listened to her and basically felt rushed because we ended up being the last people in the office before they broke for lunch and their break ran 10 minutes late. Dr Andrews jokingly suggested some valarian tea for Steve which was wasted on him, but not on me. He continued to work himself up through the day and by the time he came to bed he was so out of sorts I think he could have easily had a stroke! All because he couldn’t let the Dr’s visit go.

I tried to soothe this household all day yesterday. G wasn’t feeling well. He has a cold and he doesn’t blow his nose. It’s an autistic thing with him. He did however let me make him some herbal tea with honey and accepted a midnight bedtime without too much angst. I made Steve some ‘relaxing’ tea with honey too, and he was still steaming. He went to trivia without me. Dancing with the Stars was wonderful last night and I slept through the first half and woke up to see Shawn earn her perfect 10. Steve would have liked it but he was too busy loosing at trivia and adding to his pissed off mood. Then when he finally came to be at 1:30, he woke me up, and as I come out of my dreams, I talk in my sleep and then become conscious to the room – and sleeping on my back (because of my shoulder) makes me snore. I wish he would change his mindset. He snores. Like a train. But I can still fall asleep. I tell myself he’s sleeping and I can relax now and I practice fading out. And I do, in spite of his noise. But when I try to make any suggestion to help him release the stress, he says it’s not how he’s made, it’s not him, ect, and he gets madder, and he builds more upset. He’s gonna kill himself.

G is able to switch it off if we let him alone. He can tap into his early training and even though he’s wired like Steve, he has his mama’s influence. I know it’s possible to make these changes in one’s self if a person wants to. Steve doesn’t want to and he won’t even try. It’s time for ME to shake it off…I can’t kill myself trying to fix me for him.

And today is my first day on the weight loss pill Phentermine – generic = Adipex-P. I can take them for 3 months only. They are to give my body a jump start and I have to make the effort to get this weight off. I’m going back on Atkin’s because it is the fastest way to get my cholesterol under control as well. It shot up 50 points in the wrong way eating like she told Steve to eat for his health. He is an A+ blood type and I am an O+. We don’t do well on the same diet. So, that is my plan as of today along with exercise. The anti-inflamitory med is definitly helping my shoulder. My MRI is tomorrow. I should go alone. Steve will work himself up again due to 3 days in a row of being ‘out’ of the house and doing stuff. GAH.

Anyway. It’s time for him to get up. It’s voting day. We clean Bobby’s house. It’s pouring rain. And of course Steve will have to do the cat litter and the trash in the rain because he waits till the last moment and makes himself miserable. I told him we can get rid of the cats. He can’t do that, but he can hate himself forever for saying ‘yes’ in the first place to keeping them. OMG the cycle is vicious.

Today I have packed temporary filling material into two of my front teeth. The are both sensitive to hot and cold. I know I should have them pulled, but I can’t. My vanity is not totally dead. I look so wierd eating and chewing with one top tooth that works for chewing. I remember how awful my mother looked when all of hers were gone. we joke about fantastic blow jobs but really, I can hardly bear to think of it. the dr cautioned me that I could infect my upper jaw. Shit. Here I am delaying the pulling more. For vanity and to avoid change. How do I eat without teeth? medicaid won’t pay for dentures.

Change is quite a big deal isn’t it?

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About Green Jean Granny

I believe in and practice positive living with a bit of a barb it seems. I love YARN, music, reading, history, and gemstones. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its beliefs. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a (not so) quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a nondenominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in The Republic of Congo, married to the son of a preacher, with 3 spoiled dogs and and an add on (my daughter's pit bull lives here for a bit while she hikes the Appalachian Trail. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative disc disease and fibromyalgia. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and diabetes and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow going. Our 10 kitties were rehomed by rescue after his stroke.
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One Response to Change

  1. bicky says:

    is there a dental school nearby that will treat you? i completely feel you on dealing with steve, our men just make us crazy. and hell, im crazy enough on my own. love you, butterbean.

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