1-31-13

I broke down and asked Kay if she could loan me $50 for 2 days and immediately regretted it. She doesn’t need my stress. I was so sorry to put my need out there. I cried. I didn’t mean to but I’ve hit that point where they are coming and all the Prozac in the world isn’t going to stop them. I apologized to her and got off the phone. I’d called V first and just left a message, said I love you and left it at that. I told Steve I’m out of answers. I suggested maybe he could pawn some of the stereo equipment he has and I started crying again.

We went to Kroger to spend a bit of our food stamp money for bread and sugar and I bought hot dogs and beans because I’m exhausted. I made G go so we could cash out his $50 bond he’s had for years. That’s our last household stash of any kind. We couldn’t get it done. We have to go to a main branch to do it. G has to have ID – He has a passport and birth certificate. It’s just a mess because of how Linda bought it. Oh well. I never intended to cash it anyway.

Vanessa called me a little while later and as we talked, she of course offered to help. She put 158$ in my account, covering my bounced charge, and giving me $100. Bless her heart. In a blink she rescued me again.

I wish I could stand this. I feel so low to take money from my child. I told her I’d put a check in the mail and send it so she’d have it right back but she said no.

So we have our water paid, Steve’s fine paid, and money for gas. I still want to just curl up in a ball and cry.

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About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family but I'm not. Funny how things come full circle. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom-focused non-denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. They are all grown. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and a rescued cat. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow-go.
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