I wish I could organize my thoughts on how I’m feeling. I guess I’m not surprised, but hearing the word Fibromyalgia gives embodiment to something I wasn’t really entertaining thoughts on. It’s been suggested to me by a couple of people before, but I let it pass out of my mind. I came home from the doctor with a perscription for Cymbalta and a perscription for Physical therapy – neither of which the dr expects medicaid to honor. We’ll do some calling and checking and then they will move on to plan B – whatever that is.
I wonder if this pain is a culmination of all the researching from all the years… Candida, PMS, ADD, chemical sensitivites, sinus headaches, atmospheric change sensitivities, heart palpatations, joint pain, exhaustion. SHIT. The mental fog, the numbers dyslexia, the blanks when I talk – the forgetting stuff, not being able to hear and listen, and remember.
Dr Lisha told me to find a way to strengthen my core – laying on the floor or bed won’t work, so chair exercises with the elastic bands will have to do. I’m to work whatever I decide on 2 times a day religiously. I need to keep a pain diary, and I need to learn to listen even closer to my body. The MRI showed a slight bulging disk, the arthritis, but nothing that should be causing me such pain. Her comforting thought was to say that it least structurally, if I can handle the pain, I can keep my body in shape and this won’t kill me. I sure feels like it though when I’m so exhausted I can’t wash dishes, I have to have help cooking dinner, and all I can do is fucking sit and even then my head is too heavy for my neck to hold up. She wants me to get lidocaine shotes where my pain is and I started to cry because the pain is so inconsistant – it moves around. She said if it does, we’ll get the spots the next visit. Really, she was very sweet and kind and I was the one who was hard on myself.
I’m so tired of me being my focus. I’m also frightened of the medicine but so weary of this pain.
Bank of America wants pay stubs for Steve – which we can’t provide.
Mother Fuckers. Well, one month closer to summer so we can change G’s school after the school year is over. He’s such a champ about things. I finally was able to get his shoes. $30. Hopefully they will be here today or Monday. Size 12 wide! Here he is, all grown and he’s never been a bit of trouble.