a name?

I wish I could organize my thoughts on how I’m feeling. I guess I’m not surprised, but hearing the word Fibromyalgia gives embodiment to something I wasn’t really entertaining thoughts on. It’s been suggested to me by a couple of people before, but I let it pass out of my mind. I came home from the doctor with a perscription for Cymbalta and a perscription for Physical therapy – neither of which the dr expects medicaid to honor. We’ll do some calling and checking and then they will move on to plan B – whatever that is.

I wonder if this pain is a culmination of all the researching from all the years… Candida, PMS, ADD, chemical sensitivites, sinus headaches, atmospheric change sensitivities, heart palpatations, joint pain, exhaustion. SHIT. The mental fog, the numbers dyslexia, the blanks when I talk – the forgetting stuff, not being able to hear and listen, and remember.

Dr Lisha told me to find a way to strengthen my core – laying on the floor or bed won’t work, so chair exercises with the elastic bands will have to do. I’m to work whatever I decide on 2 times a day religiously. I need to keep a pain diary, and I need to learn to listen even closer to my body. The MRI showed a slight bulging disk, the arthritis, but nothing that should be causing me such pain. Her comforting thought was to say that it least structurally, if I can handle the pain, I can keep my body in shape and this won’t kill me. I sure feels like it though when I’m so exhausted I can’t wash dishes, I have to have help cooking dinner, and all I can do is fucking sit and even then my head is too heavy for my neck to hold up. She wants me to get lidocaine shotes where my pain is and I started to cry because the pain is so inconsistant – it moves around. She said if it does, we’ll get the spots the next visit. Really, she was very sweet and kind and I was the one who was hard on myself.

I’m so tired of me being my focus. I’m also frightened of the medicine but so weary of this pain.

Bank of America wants pay stubs for Steve – which we can’t provide.
Mother Fuckers. Well, one month closer to summer so we can change G’s school after the school year is over. He’s such a champ about things. I finally was able to get his shoes. $30. Hopefully they will be here today or Monday. Size 12 wide! Here he is, all grown and he’s never been a bit of trouble.


About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its bounds. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom focused non denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and a rescued kitten. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow go.
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4 Responses to a name?

  1. Beth Bianchi says:

    I’m so sorry. There’s nothing I could say that would fix it. My doctor tried me on Cymbalta, but I couldn’t continue taking it because it upset my stomach. But she loaded me up with samples and was going to give me more each visit. If medicaid won’t pay, ask your doctor if she can give you samples. I know how you feel about being so tired, needing help doing dinner, and basically living on the couch. I felt like I was sitting there just waiting to die. I felt sooooo unhealthy! It’s hard sweetie and it’s going to be hard getting moving and staying with it. But we will be here cheering you on and sending lots of love and strength. I love you!

  2. I think she chose Cymbalta because she DOES have samples Beth. This morning, Steve’s little comments because I’m cold hurt me – he doesn’t even realize. I press the mouse button to scroll the page down on the pc and my arm cramps – my neck aches terrible and I just want to go back to bed at noon. How do I exercise by myself and feel like this too? I don’t know.

  3. bicky says:

    I want you here, with me. I can help you with the pain, and if we can get yall up here we can homestead together. Grrr! I love you sweetie, hang in there!

  4. Sweetie, things will culminate in time. Steve seems to think his brother will buy the house at the last moment and let us rent it with invisible money? I don’t know. Time will tell. I love you so much for giving us the option and for wanting me. Thank you. I am trying to keep a handle on the stress.

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