once again

I was left hanging for hours expecting Steve to be home after trivia. He can’t break away. I’m not going with him. It’s not too much effort pain wise, it’s too much effort emotionally because he won’t ever take me home when it’s over. He has to be the last to leave and he blames every wrong answer on me. I am angry at him. When he comes home, he complaines about everybody and how he hates it but he won’t ever say no and he goes every night he’s not working at Don’s. He talked all morning about it and I tried to tell him again – and ended up yelled at AGAIN. He goes on about not wanting to upset Hoss because he’ll be dead in a year or two. I told him Steve Hoss doesn’t care about that. Why does HE care about Hoss’s future when he won’t even discuss ours with me? Again, I got yelled at. I don’t not go because of the Fibro, I don’t go because of him, because I don’t choose to ride in silence and pretend everything is fine. I don’t want to hear the gossip about the trivia people. I am angry that they keep my husband away. I am sick of being blamed and yelled at and ignored. A forced kiss that I don’t want doesn’t fix things when the rest of the time I am nothing.

One of these days, his yelling at me is NOT going to shut me up.



About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its bounds. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom focused non denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and a rescued kitten. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow go.
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