mama –

She’s done it again, all the way from across the world. On her Facebook page is her public apology to her kids, right?

so everyone gets the message she’s dying…not one of us responded in a nasty way. We were all concerned, sent her notes, etc. I asked her to please check in as soon as possible because we are worried and Kim scared us all to death telling us she was dying and could already be dead. No one wants that.

Seriously, I expected a tiny note saying she was sorry she’d worried us – something showing a little love – instead she posted this -” If you can’t give someone roses while they are living, don’t cry when they die. No time for them when they are still around…if you cared you would not neglect/reject them. Don’t waste your tears when they die…admit you didn’t really care anyway.”

I have so had it with all the manipulation. Andrea felt slapped in the face. No efforts anyone ever makes are acknowledged, she just does the public display so she looks like a fucking martyr. Steve gets so mad at me because I get drawn into this shit. How am I supossed to feel? My sister Kim texts with how she can’t loose Mama, she’s her best friend, they skype and email every day – I asked mama to email with me, take our relationship off of Facebook because we always end up fighting and she said no, she couldn’t afford to write or email. FINE. She Skypes with Andrea’s girls, but has NEVER skyped with me or mine – EVER. She won’t skype with Andrea or Chris either. It’s all this arrogant show. I wish I could say the rest of this and have it come out right – she loves black people. She shows off pictures of Chris’s son as her black grandbaby. In our family, you either have to to be dark skinned, or perfectly blonde and blueeyed to be worth anything. It’s how she’s always been. We feel this divide and it hurts us as her children. It’s not a secret – it’s so freaking blatant I could scream. We could all scream – except her 2 blonde kids and her 2 mixed blood grands. Goddamn it hurts.

So she’s on an oxygen tank, she’s not doing well, Her heart and kidneys are failing, but she’s home. I don’t know anything else. I appreciate all the prayers and thoughts and energy. It meant alot to ME. Now I’m blocking her. It was better when her account was deactivated.

Is there a planet alignment that says asshole parents raise your heads RIGHT NOW? I don’t want to know this stuff. I know she’ll die soon. I know she’ll die in Africa. I know she doesn’t think I’m good enough to live – and It’s not gonna be any different no matter what I say or do and there is nothing I can say that hasn’t been said. So piss on it.

I want to love her and let things go, but she just doesn’t make it possible. So I will release her to her God and go live my life. I am sure the drama will creep in again…but I am not going to open the door to it. NO.

I woke up in so much pain and with such stiffness – stress kills me and she’s the QUEEN of it.


About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its bounds. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom focused non denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and a rescued kitten. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow go.
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3 Responses to mama –

  1. bicky says:

    you expect unconditional love from your mother, because you give it AS a mother. its hard to turn off that inborn loyalty from the position of child. i must admit i have moments where i rage against ow my older girls treat me, but i think better of saying out loud in public because my closet is not empty. i understand why they act the way they do. i let it go. there were a lot of things i had to forgive my mother for, i had a great childhood but she took things away from me that werent hers to take, i didnt make sense of some of them until i went for that one last visit a week before she died. dont react to her drama, and dont let your siblings drag you into it either. the relationships my mother had with each of the 6 of us, were all so vastly different, thank goddess we never drew each other into any of the issues we had alone with her. like i said in my text to you yesterday, if death is near for her, may it be swift and a blessing in disguise. sometimes that is the nicest thing i can pray for someone.

    i love you.

  2. Love you Amber. I’m praying for you.

  3. Thanks loves… I’m better.

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