trying to hold it together

Sometimes I wonder what makes now any different than the rest of my life? I always believed I had to live with my choices and learn from my mistakes. I get to thinking there are choices sometimes, but there really aren’t, are there? Should there be? I don’t know.

I think everyone wants to run away on any given day. Somedays are pretty close to hellish for all of us, aren’t they? We do dumbass things that hurt us as individuals or as a unit. One of us feels like climbing out of our skin and the other looks on in a what the hell’s wrong with you? fashion.

Someone says stop dealing with that bullshit – but that bullshit has a name and is the parent of your child and your life is always tied to that bullshit no matter how well you try to clean it up. Then there is your own baggage. Your medication, your lack of stamina, your animals, the car you don’t have, the money you need and don’t have. There is the place you need to live. The burden you will be on whoever takes you in with your dogs and your cats and your kid. And everybody has to eat.

As much as I want to say help me, how can I? I’m too old to turn to my parents. My kids are raising their own kids and while they might say yes, my gut says it’s not right. Stay here and fix this. I don’t hate my husband. I am just tired of the bullshit.

I’ve put it out there and said if he doesn’t make the payment I’m leaving. I don’t know how or where, but it’s been said. I’ve laid my needs out to the people who can help me. It’s the 17th. He got the starter fixed this morning. He went to Don’s to work this afternoon. He’s all of a sudden trying to be nice again after weeks of wierd fit throwing. My disability shrink appt is tomorrow. Kayla wants me to come stay for 2 weeks. She’s pissed off that I wouldn’t say yes. I can’t deal with her anger and irrationality. She needs her meds and won’t take them. I would help her, but I can’t stay with her. Then Geoffrey’s High School registration is next week. I don’t trust Steve to do it. Hell, I barely trust me to remember it. lol I’m probably right where I should be – with someone who won’t walk out on me even if I totally break down. Fuck Fuck Fuck. It’s always something. Plus when we worked, we liked each other better than this. I’ve always believed a couple should have sex every 3 days and it’s been 2+ months… and I don’t want it. and I have hit the mark where I should start a second period, and there are no signs it’s coming. I’ve gone 3 months before and started. This is the second time I’ve missed periods. NO. I couldn’t be pregnant. Yes, I’m bitchy.

I need someone to talk to, a girlfriend. I miss having someone who gave a shit to pick up the phone and call me once in a while. How long has it been since I had that? 19fucking92. Just over 20 yrs. Man. It’s been a long ass time since I really had a girl friend. It’s no wonder I’m fucking nuts. I have exactly 3600 applications filed since I’ve been unemployed. YAY Me. No one cares. I can’t even raise a glass to myself. One, I’m on medication that says so, and 2, alcohol is too expensive.

tonight I’m not laughing. I’m crying. I’m really trying to hold on and it’s getting to me. I’m tired. I don’t mean sleepy tired – I sleep too freaking much. I’m also as sick of the rain as I can be. And on that pitiful note, I think I’ll go see if I can find a youtube video on spinning – maybe someone will make sense and I can learn to make my own yarn.


About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family but I'm not. Funny how things come full circle. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom-focused non-denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. They are all grown. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and a rescued cat. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow-go.
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