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When it rains it pours. Things are going to come crashing down on Steve very soon. He’s acted like he can just sit here and do nothing for so long. I know we haven’t had any money, and the tire went flat, then the starter failed. The old ticket he’s been trying to make payments on has called it all due and says if he doesn’t pay it by the 29th, he’ll be arrested. I swear i wish I knew what to do for him, but I didn’t choose to take money from my daughter who he hates, who is newly pregnant, when he has a brother with over a million dollers. I’ll let V help me move, but not funnel money into this household when Steve doesn’t care enough to funnel it in. I feel like a broken record. For a long time I let this go because there really weren’t jobs out there. I know I looked and looked and the last job I had was with the dentist and even that was under the table and sporadic and at the Dr’s whim. If BOA speeds things up, we could be out right away. If not, we had a 3 month trial period for the home modification but the second payment for that is due on the first. The electric and gas are delayed to the 28th. I’m kind of holding my breath as to what I should do.

I was going back through some old writings and remembering how I felt like I was complaining back when I posted about the shed and the crap he moved into the living room. How when I tried to move things out to get rid of, he’d move it back in, or put it into the shed, or into the trunk of a car. I used to keep the deck so pretty and he’d pile that shed junk out under the porch and it killed my want to. He said he had to waterproof the deck, moved my plants into the yard, they died from the heat, he didn’t complete his project, and I couldn’t replace my plants. I’ve felt like he took over everthing I cared about and took it from me. if he didn’t take it over, he complained how he didn’t like it. Sometimes it would be a year or two later when it suprised me from out of nowhere and made me cry. He didn’t really say no in the moment, but I stopped caring about things because fighting him took too much out of me especially after I started getting sick. I probably would have given up a long time ago except for Jackie and Geoffrey. The grandbabies started coming and there was my knitting. I keep myself busy with these things and they center me. I’ve enjoyed Rory so much. His antics and Jackie’s getting used to him make me laugh. Steve spends his days upstairs so he doesn’t bother me too much. I don’t go to trivia anymore. We watch a little tv together. I can miss us if I let myself think about it. We could have had a really good life.

oh, Sam has cut back on our cleaning to once a month.


About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its bounds. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom focused non denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and a rescued kitten. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow go.
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5 Responses to no title

  1. bicky says:

    Soo. Should i expect you?

    • I asked Steve if he’d call the mortgage people and call Glen about fixing my car. He got really angry. I told him I need to know what to do because if it’s over I need to pack. He got mad again and went off upstairs. I’m worried about you. I’m worried about your finances like I worry about my lack of money. I worry about your stress. I want to be a help not another drain. I don’t want to burden you if I can work out something to support myself. I won’t just drop in on you, I promise. I will have my car fixed and call you. I’m going some place. I’m just not full of answers yet.

      • bicky says:

        YOU would not be a stress on me, trust me. i am actually hoping you DO come here, because i could use someone with a brain around me. we are working it out, we always do. we might lose cell phones for a minute because of the mess, but the house phone stays paid up. note it is 804 834 2363.

      • I’m so used to doing without things and not going places we wouldn’t be much trouble. I have food stamps till December that I’m keeping. I should have the pension because it pays the taxes and insurances and would be G’s tiny bit of support. Steve could keep the house cleaning job and what he makes working for Don and I’m sure he’d live there. I feel bad about putting the cat’s down, but it will be necessary to leave them. If that darned disability would come through we’d all be ok. If I leave, I probably won’t get it, will I? You are sure the 2 dogs would be ok? And you talked to Kent? I’ll call you when I get a chance. Probably Friday evening if that’s ok. If I went to Tina’s that’s IF it came through, there would be built in work and a place to stay. I have to keep that in mind in case I have to give up the disability. It’s crap that I’m poor and can’t go where I want and not worry about f-ing money. I’ll put the phone number in my phone instead of writing it on my hand – so I don’t loose it – 😛

      • bicky says:

        Were at a ball game tonight. The disability shouldnt change because you move.

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