again…forgot the title.

omg…I asked Steve if we could talk before G got up. He said ok then barely said a sentence. I told him I can’t do this any more. Month after month worry like this. One part-time job would save our house and pay our utilities. I could be poor. But poor and almost homeless are two different things. I told him that G and I have talked and G doesn’t understand how he can wait till 3pm to leave to make money when he knows we need it so bad. Even our kid is smarter than that. I told him how the pain dr wants me to go to a psychologist so I have soneone to talk to because she thinks this is so tied into my illness. I told him I have someplace to go and I am really tired. He didn’t say another thing. The only thing he did say was that he’d talk to Don and see if he could borrow some money. It’s not too late to have the money overnighted. He deliberately waits till the last moment. I told him to borrow the money to fix my car because I’m not sitting here with no way to leave any more. I didn’t over react or get loud. I told him I think he passive-aggressively is telling me he quits. My tears rolled for a few minutes, then G came downstairs and all was over as usual. No words from Steve.

I’m going up to take a bath. Then I’ll clean the kitchen. I am making a list of what I’m moving with. Loosing us has never been an incentive in any way. I want a life. I can come back for my disability court date.

You can’t fight with someone who never speaks. And really, I’ve fought enough in my head to need to do it out loud. I could wait a month if he does borrow the money. He’d have a little time to get a job while I wait for the disability. Shit…I have to have money. It’s just a big fucking circle.


About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its bounds. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom focused non denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and a rescued kitten. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow go.
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