Today I was thinking about moving forward – first, I have to say something to my family and friends. During what I thought was my life’s “have to do this” moment, I hurt people I love. Sacrifice’s were made for me that were big sacrifices. I know that deep in my heart and it humbles me. What I chose was no small thing, and what I consequently chose was no small thing. I think when one sets their mind against their heart, the journey has no choice but to lead back to that which the heart knows is correct.
My husband said “Have the guts to love me good and bad.” I owe that to him, and to my children – having the guts to love them, good and bad. I was afraid. I don’t know how else to put it. I thought rock bottom was going to smash us and I was terrified. I paniced. I keep asking myself how did I forget so many things I should have known? What was wrong was to run and hurt my family. What was wrong was to think I had control over teaching another person their life lessons. What was wrong was how my decisions hurt so many people; Vanessa and Kelly and Kayla and Nick and Melissa and Kent and Connie, and Steve and Geoffrey and rippling out, hurt those who love them…
I have things to make up for and to make right. It’s my turn to know what it feels like to need to be forgiven. The balance has been broken between love and forgiveness. For the first time ever in my life, I can really say; I know I am loved. I guess that’s a good thing, but I’m embarrassed as hell to be this old and still have such issues. Life has a funny way of making us look at what we consider the lessons imposed on us by others. The same things I’ve had done to me and hated, are the same things I just put my own family through. that’s hard to look at. I’m really sorry I hurt all of you – it needs saying again. I need to say it again. I’m so sorry.
I think it will be a long time before I can get over feeling awkward about this. My friend Lynne told me I have to use my voice. My voice comes out through my fingers and that’s not good enough. There are so many sobering things this time has brought to light for me. To be able to sleep at night, I have to blame my emotional state on all the medications i’ve been on for pain – now that i’m off of most of them, my head is clearer and I am amazed at how much I can do again. Seve said he was afraid I would die from them. I didn’t know how badly they had affected me. It’s not an excuse, I can’t release responsibility for what I did by blaming it on something besides myself. Hopefully thinking clearly and responsibly will be at the top of my priority list for the rest of my life. It is today. I have to demand respect and give respect where it’s due. No more hiding because I’m caught up in “I can’ts” You know? Job or not, things have to be taken care of and quiting is not an option. I tried to quit and run and I am so thankful Steve didn’t let me go. I’m thankful my daughter didn’t let me off the hook. She let me know I hurt her and her words stung bad and I hope I never put her in that position again. She didn’t deserve what I did to her family – she was dead on right and I was wrong.
Man, the lessons are hard this time. I need to move on but I have to carry these things with me. I can’t go forward and leave anyone I love hanging, wondering if I get the point or understand how what I did was wrong. I used to send my kids to their rooms to think about what they did and why it was wrong. Then they had to come out and tell me what it was and why – now it’s my turn. There’s really no one but me saying “tell me what you did and why it was wrong” but I get it. I really get it.
Now to move on from a position of strength. I am fully aware of what was going on and what others were responsible for and not doing. I am not stupid and I will not be used or abused. I don’t have to pay penance to learn a lesson. I’ll fix what I can and learn what I should, and REMEMBER all of it. I am damned lucky to have so many people in my life to love and who love me. On that note, I’m going to see if I can get some sleep.
I’ve applied for work at Stone Mountain Park, at a local Nursing home, at the newspaper – Steve’s also applied at the paper, at a vending company and we had a yard sale and will do the flea market. I’m working for Bevy online and Don’s still got work for Steve. Sam will have us clean his house on tuesday – work is piecemeal at the moment. we’ll make it. We have to. I’ll apply for a CS job in Buford and at the new PetSmart tomorrow. I have to believe a job will manifest soon. Part time will do – 2 or 3 of them even 🙂