Steve’s out working on the cars…we have thaw! I have thouroughly enjoyed the last 2 days! Next week, rain; storms and tornados?… lol I’m ready for it! Now there is brisket in the crock pot and hot tea in my mug – only a little bit of housebound time left.
I haven’t written here in a long time. I’m feeling normalacy come back to things. Balance…
I’m replacing things I’ve lost and left since there is no promise of getting them back. I’ve saved for and ordered a new/refurbished Brother sewing machine. I’ve ordered a yarn bowl and Steve has been very kind and gentle about things getting replaced. If I can, of course I will go get my posessions from Kayla, but since she has cut me off, I just don’t know what will ever come back to me. It hurts that my safe place wasn’t safe after all, but I came home knowing Steve loves me – that makes everything worthwhile.
I think that I had held on for so long that my ‘will’ gave out. I couldn’t do anything but run away. Fight or flight, right? I left with every fiber of my intention certain that the decision would NEVER be undone. Lock, stock, and barrel as the saying goes.
Then my husband made sure I knew he wanted me for always. It makes it all worth it really. Coming from where I do, I never believed anyone loved me. Not my parents or siblings or husband. Not friends either. We got married because there was Geoffrey and because I insisted. He does things because others push and that took ME out of the equation somehow. When my weaknesses are exposed, people leave me and I fear it, always. Maybe that’s how it is for everyone. Insecurity bites.
Then this damned unemployment – 5 yrs of it. It about ripped us apart. And now it’s over. Newspaper jobs again. Me, service; Steve, routes. I never thought I’d throw a route again. But after being let go from service, there is no choice. The food stamps didn’t come through this month, medicade was cancelled. We will get it straightened out I imagine, but it’s rough right now… how can I be ok? I ask myself sometimes how we will make it. But one thing is clear … coming home was the right decision.
20 yrs into this marriage and I finally get it – my husband loves me. I have loved him since I met him. I could not be without him. All he’s ever had to do was touch me or look at me and I melt. I love him. He said to me “Have the courage to love me, with all my flaws, and come home.” And I did. It’s a complicated web we weave, this life. Nothing is sure but change.
I’m home and our lives will march on. People still say to me “I thought you moved away” and it jerks me back into thinking about it. Missing some little thing that I realize is in Virginia jerks me back to it as well. I rethink how I got here and how lucky I am not to have lost the most important piece of me – I would have lived in regret all my life. Instead, I feel older and secure. I could shout it from the rooftop – MY HUSBAND LOVES ME. And I love him. And life goes on… there will be US after Geoffrey has grown and gone and THAT makes me feel secure.
OK- I think this is hashed out and my blog can just go on and be my blog…