I have been knitting like crazy. Thing is, I’m learning new stuff, new stitches. The first ones are never perfect. I know that perfection is important to people.
However, I have a sweet pair of hand warmers that aren’t the exact same length. I have a friend I think will like them anyway. I have to raise postage.
I have beautiful, perfect hats, scarf, wrist warmers for my sister, made from yarn a dear friend sent me – waiting on postage.
I have almost completed an Anemone hat – so cute. Not perfect, but I have another friend I think will like it. Postage again.
I made a precious dragon hat for Hack, but V doesn’t think he’ll wear it. I thought he’d think it was a toy and wear it with his dragon tail. It sits on the wig stand. A kimono I made for lex needed clear snaps to finish it off. It’s tiny tho and by the time I get postage, he’ll be grown out of it. Damn.
I am crossing my fingers that Kay has brought my things to GA. I have no way of knowing, but no gas money to make a trip from Atlanta to Warner Roberts. I don’t know why I am crossing my fingers except that hope and good intentions are all I have right now.
I can’t give up my hope or my good intentions just because we are poor. I guess if things sit, they will still be appreciated whenever I can scrape together a big envelope, a couple small boxes, another skein of yarn, and money for postage.
I am so envious of my friend who flew out to SF to see our new grandson – my grandson’s other grandmothers get to go see them and I fight tears because I want to so badly. Wanting to is not enough. I know that from when my own were little. I always wanted to _______. Fill it in. When you are poor, all you have is what you want. I fight my inner gramma voice – want in one hand spit in the other and see which gets full the fastest. What the hell am I supposed to do? I want to make a difference, I want to work, I want to hold my grandchildren. I want to help my husband. I want this freaking pain to ease up. I want to have insurance but nothing covers our expenses because we have to spend down our deductible which we can’t do. It’s all fucked up. My clothes are so ragged and so are Steve’s. G hasn’t had new clothes in years. These things aren’t important, but they are. We had routes close to home and we stood on principle and didn’t sign the new contracts because they were enslaving us and we were working for free. Honestly, we were paying them for our efforts because of the way the contract was drawn up. 2 weeks of it before signing showed us it couldn’t be done, so we didn’t. Tonight Steve was saying at least we were closer to home – but he’s so tired working 7 days a week. Just …. umh.
Steve is trying so hard and now things are on him completely. He’s talking about going to work in fast food – maybe McDonald’s. We’ve borrowed $70 for gas that has to be paid back when we get the check. The animals are being fed day by day. We’ve had to front the gas money for a daily commute of 80 miles to throw this darn paper route. We(I) put in applications, and no one calls. I am sure the demand for any job is still huge for those needing one. The check Steve gets is going to be for one week. We have to hold onto enough money for gas for another week. The house payment is due, all utilities, G’s computer payment, the Internet, the State tax payment. You’d think a family could bring in enough to just manage the minimum. It’s not happening. So we plan for things, work around our pain as best as we can, and keep on.
We still have Sam’s house to clean once a month – this coming Tuesday.
I spent the first 50 yrs of my life not making plans because plans always ended up being wants. Dammit. I try so hard. I feel like someday, when I die and someone sorts my things, they won’t know who the stacks of things I’ve made are for. Eithne, Celtie, Heather, Hack, Andee…hell, my sister could die before I get postage money.
I’m having a hard time trying to figure out what I can do so my wants and intentions can manifest. How can I manifest what I need? I think I need to go back and figure out something from an idea someone gave me in 2009. Why did I wait? I guess the lessons that come have their own time of unfolding. OK…I’ve talked this out. I think I’ve settled on a plan. it’s time to manifest. 🙂 I will never put the shit out without figuring out what to do with it. That’s an old “self promise”.
WRITE down my ideas.
Form a plan of action.
Immediate goal: I need cash.
I think I’ll use Ebay to sell bits of my gemstones and the blue newspaper bags I have. I’ll get some listings up. That’s a beginning. I can set out a table in the front yard and sell baby plants. I’ll get 4 pks of seeds and a bag of potting soil. I can form pots for them from newspapers and call them biodegradeable; start the seeds and see what happens. If no one buys them, I’ll use them for us. I need a small repeatable kind of project to sell as well – there is where the idea from my friend comes into play. I’m going to print out her email and use it as a blue print.
Well alright…I’m not crying anymore. My gramma was a smart woman and she guides me all the time. The Cherokee teaching I always embrace is that we are our own ancestors. Things really do come back to her sayings…want in one hand spit in the other and see which gets full the fastest; and life is about change. OK gramma. I get it. I’m just hard headed. I want to work from home – it’s time to get working because I’m sure as hell home.