jesus christ I’m messed up…

I was given the number 5 for 5 things most people don’t know about me – a facebook game. I protested that there weren’t 5 things. Then I said I’d try to do it and started.
1. I say F*ck and sh*t very, very often.
2. I miss having real life friends
3. I don’t see very well (which is usually why I say F and S AND don’t read anymore).
4. I am an introvert and when it kicks in, I can’t make myself move around it no matter how hard I try.
5. I fight depression constantly.

Then I was struck by why I thought I had to share these things. I think I wear the happy stuff on the outside – I think my coping mechanisms are front and center –

I use mantras constantly.
I mentally frame my day in pink to get past pain.
I’ve never believed anyone could love me
I’m way too serious and emotional.
I like comfort and pretty things and was not cut out to be a happy poor person.

In spite of my internal voice yelling at me “want in one hand, spit in the other and see which gets full the fastest;” I want stuff. I want a lot of things.

  • I want a nice house.
  • I want decent clothes that aren’t jeans.
  • I want to move to NC.
  • I want to be warm.
  • I want my teeth fixed.

I settled on the following 5…

I like sparkles.
I don’t like nuts.
I check the mailbox at 1am.
I gag on sweet coffee.
I said I couldn’t make a list of 5 things, then made 4 different lists and chose this one to play the game with. Then of course I saved the other three . . .


About Green Jean Granny

I believe in and practice positive living with a bit of a barb it seems. I love YARN, music, reading, history, and gemstones. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its beliefs. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a (not so) quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a nondenominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and an add on (a rescued kitten). Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative disc disease and fibromyalgia. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow going. Our 10 kitties were rehomed by rescue after his stroke.
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