jesus christ I’m messed up…

I was given the number 5 for 5 things most people don’t know about me – a facebook game. I protested that there weren’t 5 things. Then I said I’d try to do it and started.
1. I say F*ck and sh*t very, very often.
2. I miss having real life friends
3. I don’t see very well (which is usually why I say F and S AND don’t read anymore).
4. I am an introvert and when it kicks in, I can’t make myself move around it no matter how hard I try.
5. I fight depression constantly.

Then I was struck by why I thought I had to share these things. I think I wear the happy stuff on the outside – I think my coping mechanisms are front and center –

I use mantras constantly.
I mentally frame my day in pink to get past pain.
I’ve never believed anyone could love me
I’m way too serious and emotional.
I like comfort and pretty things and was not cut out to be a happy poor person.

In spite of my internal voice yelling at me “want in one hand, spit in the other and see which gets full the fastest;” I want stuff. I want a lot of things.

  • I want a nice house.
  • I want decent clothes that aren’t jeans.
  • I want to move to NC.
  • I want to be warm.
  • I want my teeth fixed.

I settled on the following 5…

I like sparkles.
I don’t like nuts.
I check the mailbox at 1am.
I gag on sweet coffee.
I said I couldn’t make a list of 5 things, then made 4 different lists and chose this one to play the game with. Then of course I saved the other three . . .


About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its bounds. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom focused non denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and a rescued kitten. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow go.
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