fucking honesty

I told Steve to stop putting things off this morning. Stop complaining about HOW people help him and be thankful they are helping him.  Things are improving and he can’t see past the rain. I hate saying things are on him to fix, but they are. If he had asked for help at any point, he’d of not gone through most of the things that have hurt him so badly since we’ve been apart. He screamed at me and hung up on me. It’s silent treatment time again. So I wrote him an email.

<<<

Once again, I feel like I should say I’m sorry but I can’t express myself right. I’m so distraught for you. Please baby. Understand me. I am not trying to hurt you or not be supportive. But you are in such a horrible place and it will only change by DOING something. What can I do besides beg you? Talk to Don, or wait and depend on Sam. But you can’t expect them to work with you if you bad mouth what they can do. Sam can help but he’s helping in a framework that is very difficult for you; shit routes, rain that won’t stop – neither one which he can fix. No one with your abilities has ever cared enough to give him the time to get the routes handled. You can stay upset and mad, or you can help this man who has helped you. At this point it doesn’t matter if you are the Steve he thinks you are. BE the Steve he thinks you are. I don’t know how else to ask you to rise above your pain. You aren’t going to feel better until you give back. Even with Don – drop your pride and ask – stop saying what he will do and how he will do it in a bad way. He said he’d help. Let him know you want the help. If nothing else, ask for enough to come here. Get enough to rent a truck and bring the cats. You can walk away from what’s there in Snellville and come here or wait and with help, see it through. It’s going to take help. Stop saying you can’t. You have to do SOMETHING that includes being helped in some way. It’s a place you don’t want to be in and I really do understand that. I can’t change it. I want you in every way possible and the waiting and watching your pain feels like it drags on and drags on and you won’t open your mouth and ask for help. If you need to lash out at me, do it. Get mad. Tell me how selfish I am. Tell me what a bad decision I made. Do it. I already know it but if saying it and hurting me will help you get it out, I’ll take it. Only please, write it because I am not as strong as you think I am. All I want is you and me together and I’m very afraid you will work yourself up to that point where you die because you are so very miserable. I am sure if you have a heart attack or stroke, you will blame it on me for coming here, for leaving you to handle what I thought would come down differently. I accept that you blame me. if you have to choose something else – NOT coming to me, to be ok, I’ll fucking take that too. Just find a way to be ok. Figure out something you can live with. You are just so miserable I don’t know what to do or say because everything upsets you. I want to say PRAY. Open the door for God to help, untie his hands –  but I don’t think you believe in God. I’m grasping for any thought that can help you. I’ve put forward everything i know to do – every suggestion I have. If you don’t want to say Help me, at least open up enough to ask Don to think tank ideas with you. Or think tank ideas with me – but this screaming black place – I don’t know what to do to help you. I think you need to talk to Sam about your pay and his expectations and trading that truck for something more fuel efficient. I think you need to talk to Don about helping in whatever way you choose for him to help. A car, catching the house up, a truck to get here with, money to go to the Doctor with – whatever part he will help with makes the rest that much closer. Ask him for everything and GIVE him the house – I don’t care what you decide as long as you do something that moves you forward. Maybe the neighbor would let you set up your sale in their carport – you could ask. If it doesn’t work, put the things in a storage unit and I will make payments on it until we can get there.
G is waiting for you to get back here – he told me he wanted you to go to the college with him. That Date is December 2nd. I didn’t say you can’t, I said I’d let you know. I know I only see what you tell me about and that you are in a terrible difficulty and my heart breaks because I know you think I have caused this. I’ll give you space and I won’t say these things out loud again unless you bring them up – the only thing else I have to offer is that we are here and we love you.  I LOVE YOU.
>>>

I sent it and have fought all day going into his email and deleting it because he hasn’t read it. I know he knows it’s there. because he opened a baseball stats email.I know he’s not talking to me AGAIN. I’ll take whatever he throws on me if he will just get it out and start DOING something. I’m going to release this though and I won’t be calling him. He will have to reach out to me. I want him to, but if he doesn’t, I’ll live with it. It will be hard, but I WILL LIVE – I’ve spent 22 yrs waiting on him – he doesn’t realize how his inaction affects us all.

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About Green Jean Granny

I believe in and practice positive living with a bit of a barb it seems. I love YARN, music, reading, history, and gemstones. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its beliefs. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a (not so) quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a nondenominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in The Republic of Congo, married to the son of a preacher, with 3 spoiled dogs and and an add on (my daughter's pit bull lives here for a bit while she hikes the Appalachian Trail. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative disc disease and fibromyalgia. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and diabetes and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow going. Our 10 kitties were rehomed by rescue after his stroke.
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