almost quiet

Seems the way out of discussing this situation is to give me two-minute check ins once a day. He’s sick and doesn’t feel like talking. I have lump in the throat-itis myself. I hate that I can’t stop this momentary crying bullshit. Then add Paris, Japan, Beirut, Africa; crap I am so raw emotionally. I am trying to take care of myself. I left the house for conversation and to hang in Joyce’s shop yesterday. A baby was there who was sick and vomiting. Sigh… I do not need sick on top of everything else. Crossing my fingers and drinking herby stuff for prevention. All I can do is keep pumping my head with “I can do its.”

Nurse Joyce used her anatomy skills yesterday to touch my neck where the vertebrae control my shoulder, arm, neck and jaw muscles-nerves. Just as I was afraid it would be, my degeneration is involved. Pain’s not going anywhere. Another shit added to the list.

The dogs are attentive. G’s being sweet. I’m really trying and I think that’s the problem. I don’t feel like trying. I’m freaking angry and I’m hurt. Where is the fight for us and our life? Stuck in the house sick.

No matter. I’m fighting. I’ll have gas money for the guys who agreed to help with our cats and personal stuff, after the next check comes. G’s paperwork is sent to the college and we can ask for financial aide now. Even though things feel like baby steps, there have been a hundred of them! I got emotional over a pic my daughter shared showing an 800+ dollar dinner tab in Vegas and I fought being angry over that, too. I make do and they have so much and I fight being jealous – they deserve their good life.  I don’t want anything less for them. I just want MORE for me. I’m such a selfish bitch.

end note: after posting this, an email hit my box… If you don’t want the Bible verse, click off now…

Philippians 4:19. And my God will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory in Jesus Christ. Timing these days is amazing. Reminders are everywhere. I have so much to be thankful for, SO VERY MUCH.

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About Green Jean Granny

I believe in and practice positive living with a bit of a barb it seems. I love YARN, music, reading, history, and gemstones. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its beliefs. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a (not so) quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a nondenominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in The Republic of Congo, married to the son of a preacher, with 3 spoiled dogs and and an add on (my daughter's pit bull lives here for a bit while she hikes the Appalachian Trail. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative disc disease and fibromyalgia. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and diabetes and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow going. Our 10 kitties were rehomed by rescue after his stroke.
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