Darkest Before Dawn

Remind me when I get teary at Steve’s regressions that they come after and before breakthroughs. The disconnects are so complete that I forget they are temporary. I’ve never felt anything so completely overwhelming in my life. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be so lost within ones self.
He was out of things all day yesterday. I forgot what day it was. I cried off by myself. He had cried all day – he cried with every breath and didn’t know why. Linda called and I found my footing. About 10pm, he reached for my hand and held on for a long time and it came to me to remind him about the very good things that happen after the very bad ones and he calmed down.
This morning he was asleep curled on his side. He’s only slept in one position since the stroke – flat on his back. His arm was resting bent too, and his hand looks beautiful. No swelling, nothing curled out of shape. I’m letting him sleep. We have therapy this afternoon.
Strokes are so cruel. After they happen there is this expectation that things will get better and in therapy we are constantly reminded how there is a window that the brain and body heal in, and then the damage drags on and on… 4 months in is nothing compared to what some go through. I know that logically. In the moment of living through it though, it seems like forever.

About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family but I'm not. Funny how things come full circle. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom-focused non-denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. They are all grown. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and a rescued cat. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow-go.
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