Stroking it forward

I know Steve’s crying is because of the stroke. This fit throwing was never how my husband was before the stroke. He was always kind to me and G and if he didn’t want to do something, he either didn’t do it, or bucked up and handled it. He could be pissy and he was a grudge holder – he’s talked a lot about what this situation has taught him about other people. He has things that are better every day, but he’s not getting over the right side weakness any time soon, He struggles to walk and he can’t use his arm and hand. When he’s stressed it manifests as pain or way over the top emotions. When he feels pain, his brain routes his mind so it has to be immediately dealt with. He has no stamina. He wants to be better NOW and he struggles with depression constantly.
For me, I’m ok besides the physical stress of always being on call – hovering – as my kids like to call it. If I’m not right there, the potential for him falling is huge. Just yesterday he got all stressed over making it to the bathroom and in the hurry to get there, had I not had a hold on his shirt, he’d of toppled backwards. That might be tmi, but it’s our life and if we hide it, what do we have to share? I’d just sit here and have nothing to say but “FINE”. We’re FINE. We certainly aren’t gonna die from living our puny little broke-ass life with too many dogs and no AC and running short on food at the end of the month, and wishing we could go to a movie or have a coffee out or a new something – we are FINE. We’ll eat beans for a week and eggs. It’s not a big deal to me and G but to Steve in his condition, he cries and his depression grows. He is a brooder. I ask him what’s wrong and he says “NOTHING.” Same as FINE. Only now he cries.
I pray every day that he gets better faster or that he moves into his healing faster. I get up, move the dog toys so he doesn’t fall, make him some tea, and stay on him about drinking his water ALL DAY LONG. Make his meals (man what I wouldn’t give to be able to order something from take out) We don’t buy soda. He looks for snacks and what we have are seeds and nuts – seriously – because he needs them in his diet. When I buy those, there is no money for sugar free anything else. He enjoys protein powder in his milk to help fill out a lunch of peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sunflower seeds. I know it sounds “FINE” but every day the same thing – gives a person nothing to look forward to. Do you know how much protein powder costs?
It’s an EFFORT to stay upbeat. Positive doesn’t come natural through this kind of ‘push’. Not for either of us. YES, we are OK. My focus has to stay on him because if I look at my needs – I can’t keep going forward. I feel like I have a pasted on smile for the world to see and I’m swimming in a cloud of pain. But mine doesn’t matter because his is still so new and there is the chance of regained strength in some little area for him…

About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family but I'm not. Funny how things come full circle. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom-focused non-denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. They are all grown. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and a rescued cat. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow-go.
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