New Year

I have been trying to keep my head down as this year closes out because it’s been hard with all the FB posts about loss and how ugly 2016 has been and all the politics still hitting hard and now the New year with it’s resolutions – I’m not a resolution maker. Never have been. A lady I’ve known for several years posted one of those “Feed your soul – manifest your intentions after writing down your year’s experiences” posts and I found myself thinking and writing as I’m prone to do – I need someplace to put it and thought maybe HERE would be a good place.

*I couldn’t even begin to write down all that happened in this past year in one setting. It was the hardest single year of my life that I get to package into ‘one year’. Relationships changed, I changed.

My husband’s stroke was discovered on Christmas Eve of 2015 and made me move into the role of caregiver for a second time. I had sworn I’d never do it again. Always, always, the things I say I’ll never do come back and hit me square in the face. Caring for my mate I found I didn’t like either of us sometimes and my personal goals were drawn by circumstance rather than by ME. 2016 has had a real cruel edge to it instead of the gentle flow I always ‘think’ is the way to do things.

I made terrible decisions because of misinformation. By terrible, I mean huge, frightening decisions. I was lied to, mislead, and used. I walked away from personal belongings and planned income. I had to abandon 10 cats. I faced my own necessary lies. I became the head of my household. I lost friends and was lifted up by friends.

We faced crushing loss and looked family abuse and drugs in the face, again. We had to pick apart the truth of generational mistakes, draw lines, and bare our souls. Intimacy took on a different meaning. Forgiveness became the word of the day for months on end. My rose colored glasses broke all to pieces, but I realize, it was time. The year ultimately became about relationships – the good, the bad, the ugly, the sad and the restored.

I see light in the coming year. I think that while the forced change felt like a slash and burn, the results on the near horizon are pretty amazing. I’m not liking the “frame” of loss when I look back on 2016, but maybe that has more to do with AGE, aging, and personal/emotional/health ‘care’ than anything else.

It’s written that time and chance happen to all of us, but how we respond to it is up to us, don’t you think? I’m looking forward to looking FORWARD. I’m ready to claim the promises of restoration. I’ve always relied on outlines, (A.B.C., 1. 2. 3.) in the past. I have different plans for this coming year. I’m imagining myself holding the colors and leaving the details of the big picture to my Creator. Today, I see the wisdom in HIS design, over my own. So bring it on 2017. I can honestly say I’m ready for the lessons and revelations. *

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About Green Jean Granny

I believe in and practice positive living with a bit of a barb it seems. I love YARN, music, reading, history, and gemstones. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its beliefs. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a (not so) quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a nondenominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in The Republic of Congo, married to the son of a preacher, with 3 spoiled dogs and and an add on (my daughter's pit bull lives here for a bit while she hikes the Appalachian Trail. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative disc disease and fibromyalgia. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and diabetes and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow going. Our 10 kitties were rehomed by rescue after his stroke.
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