so hard

As happy as I am that Steve is still with me, there are things that make this very difficult. He is not the same. It’s like he has these extreme opinions without the extreme intelligence to hold the opinion. I know that probably doesn’t make sense.

He was up until 2:30, cried till 6, got up at 9. He’s crying about the cats and every little thing. What’s wrong Steve? Nothing. But it’s the not crying after stroke thing, it’s depression. He stays in another room and WAILS. Then he started crying about the birds not having food. he told me I have to clear the stairs before I go down. I couldn’t stand the crying. I got so ticked over the urgency that I told him I’d take care of the snow with my laser eyes and dashed out in my socks. I took the bird seed down the steps, the feeder top was frozen shut. So I threw some on the ground and ran back inside. Wooh the wind is brisk!

He got up to plug in his phone, almost fell over from not walking in 3 days which is MY FAULT according to him. He’s been crying for every reason under the (lack of) sun. I ordered cable because he’s crying over the football game. He won’t shower. He’s crying over almost peeing on himself because of urgency. He doesn’t pee on himself, just squalls on the way down the hall in case he does it.

I haven’t had a hug in weeks. No love, no sex, no support. I’m so mad at Lisa I could spit. Kaiha’s not coming for her dog. Maybe someday she will, but now she has a BF she’s worried about staying with. She’s heading to AZ to stay with Lisa’s Ian. Lisa has the nerve to tell me she can’t handle my life and I need a blog and to keep stuff off of FB because it’s too hard on her. REALLY? I told her I couldn’t believe what she was saying to me. She said that I’m being vindictive and wanting everyone else to hurt too and she doesn’t know me anymore. She stopped being my FRIEND when Kansas went to prison 15 yrs ago. She gives hit and run advice because she has a friend who had a stroke and he takes care of himself better than Steve does. I could pull HER hair out! I know she doesn’t read what I write or she’d of never paid for my daughter to visit at a time when I NEEDED her to be responsible. Even at 31 my daughter is still throwing chaos into my life and I look like the crazy one. fuck that.  I’ve blocked her from seeing my posts but i’ve lost my outlet because I worry that she’s right.

And all the time, Steve struggles and people applaud the idea of counseling when all that does is tear open the wound for someone else and I have to go on and live with it because Steve’s mind is what it is. I can’t undo, unthink, unsee, unfeel this crap. 3 hours of some social worker listening isn’t going to fix anything. It just lays it open so Steve can feel the pain again. He’s not right no matter what anyone says. It’s either crying or talking nonstop in that opinionated fashion demanding I agree with him over Donald Trump and the horribleness of the liberals. OMG. My mind needs silence.

Just silence.


About Morning Knits

I believe in and practice positive living. I love YARN, music, bird watching, history, gemstones, and gardening. I am passionate about the Earth. I am a true homebody. I've said I was Pagan for years to separate myself from a churchy upbringing and judgmental family that left me outside of its bounds. I believe it's our responsibility to tend and protect the Earth. I basically do my thing in a quiet, amused way. I believe in the power of my own hands, the energy of combined prayer, and caring for the earth. I attend a Kingdom focused non denominational Christian Church. I have 6 kids, all home-born and successfully breastfed. The oldest 5 are grown. The youngest is attending Community College and living at home. I'm the oldest of 9, daughter of a missionary mother who lives in Kenya, married to the son of a preacher, with 4 spoiled dogs and and a rescued kitten. Right now, there is small balance after yrs of unemployment. My disability was approved due to degenerative discs, fibromyalgia, and obesity. That last is hard to say. I believe we owe it to ourselves to protect our mental health. It's precious and the one thing we can control. I dislike my own housework and I talk too much. I bought a house in North Carolina and after trying to get my husband here for 6 months, he had a stroke. I'm a two-time caregiver. Steve's got hemiparesis and depression and is learning to walk and trying to use his right side again. It's slow go.
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