New Year

I have been trying to keep my head down as this year closes out because it’s been hard with all the FB posts about loss and how ugly 2016 has been and all the politics still hitting hard and now the New year with it’s resolutions – I’m not a resolution maker. Never have been. A lady I’ve known for several years posted one of those “Feed your soul – manifest your intentions after writing down your year’s experiences” posts and I found myself thinking and writing as I’m prone to do – I need someplace to put it and thought maybe HERE would be a good place.

*I couldn’t even begin to write down all that happened in this past year in one setting. It was the hardest single year of my life that I get to package into ‘one year’. Relationships changed, I changed.

My husband’s stroke was discovered on Christmas Eve of 2015 and made me move into the role of caregiver for a second time. I had sworn I’d never do it again. Always, always, the things I say I’ll never do come back and hit me square in the face. Caring for my mate I found I didn’t like either of us sometimes and my personal goals were drawn by circumstance rather than by ME. 2016 has had a real cruel edge to it instead of the gentle flow I always ‘think’ is the way to do things.

I made terrible decisions because of misinformation. By terrible, I mean huge, frightening decisions. I was lied to, mislead, and used. I walked away from personal belongings and planned income. I had to abandon 10 cats. I faced my own necessary lies. I became the head of my household. I lost friends and was lifted up by friends.

We faced crushing loss and looked family abuse and drugs in the face, again. We had to pick apart the truth of generational mistakes, draw lines, and bare our souls. Intimacy took on a different meaning. Forgiveness became the word of the day for months on end. My rose colored glasses broke all to pieces, but I realize, it was time. The year ultimately became about relationships – the good, the bad, the ugly, the sad and the restored.

I see light in the coming year. I think that while the forced change felt like a slash and burn, the results on the near horizon are pretty amazing. I’m not liking the “frame” of loss when I look back on 2016, but maybe that has more to do with AGE, aging, and personal/emotional/health ‘care’ than anything else.

It’s written that time and chance happen to all of us, but how we respond to it is up to us, don’t you think? I’m looking forward to looking FORWARD. I’m ready to claim the promises of restoration. I’ve always relied on outlines, (A.B.C., 1. 2. 3.) in the past. I have different plans for this coming year. I’m imagining myself holding the colors and leaving the details of the big picture to my Creator. Today, I see the wisdom in HIS design, over my own. So bring it on 2017. I can honestly say I’m ready for the lessons and revelations. *

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Had a nice morning enjoying Steve’s time in bed. I seldom get time by myself.  I did some herbal study and bought a small bit of henna for my hair. I worked a little bit on the crocheted airplane I’m making for Haskell. I also started a slip stitch scarf in purple and gray, and got laundry started and dishes done. I watered the herbs and checked the fluids in the car. I poured baking soda on the carpet where Salt keeps pooping. Lastly,  I made chicken salad for Steve’s lunch. I’ve picked up the dishes and wiped counters, made popcorn and sat back down. Here I am blogging and ready to pick up my needles. It’s a beautiful Saturday. 

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Today’s thoughts.

​I’m such a simple person. I’m an intovert unless I need and I mean NEED not to be. I’m the person who gets over stuff until my face is rubbed in the mess 100 times. Probably I’m full of selfishness.  

I cry over my kids and always wonder how different things might have been If I’d realized I was as important in their lives as their father.  I miss relationships that didn’t develop. I miss grandchildren I never see. I am to be estranged from another grown child over a dog – and I think how ironic that a dog is what my mother and grandmother ‘s relationship broke over. Steve was talking about my lack of boundaries again last night and how I let myself be used at a time I had no right to say YES. I get angry at him when he says that, but in a way, he’s right. I crossed a line when HE needed protecting. I told him that it wouldn’t matter if he died right then, I’m done being disrespected and called names. This thing with my daughter- the latest update states how she entrusted her dog to me WHICH IS A LIE  – she dropped him off at my house, with her brother who almost starved the dog because of his Aspergers and I wasn’t there for 3 months because of the stroke and rehab. I look like a nut who gave consent and then in the middle of her project is being unreasonable and messing things up. She was supposed to be gone and back in 45 days. We even threatened to not let her have the dog back except he doesn’t fit in with ours. He came with fleas which we can’t afford to treat,  he fights over food and pushes for dominance,  he shits on my carpet.  And still we love on him, but he senses he’s out of place. 

Even when she comes, maybe next week, she’s homeless,  no car, I can only hope she has a place to go…and we have to close our minds to what happens to this dog that deserves so much better and to another daughter. Sigh…Kaiha is beating the record for the fastest time on the AT but she didn’t follow the rules so it will be unofficial. What good is that? I’m sure the experience has been life altering,  but it’s ending.  Now she says she never wants to see me again after she gets the dog and I’m to the point I don’t care. She says I am emotionally abusing her for saying I dont want her and her dog. I feel like the sacrifice we were forced to make (by her not coming as agreed) has been for nothing. Of course they blame Steve for me setting any boundaries at all and I’ve had the fact I left them with their dad used as excuse to call me an asshole AGAIN… I get that my kids don’t like him, but he’s not the problem.  He’s my problem, but not THE problem. The lack of respect they have towards anyone not themselves is the problem. I say they…but it crops up individually… and they are a group. 

Yesterday I came across a picture of Olive. The only one I ever got of kayla’s baby girl . A couple of weeks ago, V and I talked about how they will pay for me to visit when I can leave Steve and G. Who knows if that will ever happen? I know I think too much. 

You know what I want? A Doctor Who knitting marathon, real food instead of crap, and my meds which I can’t afford. I’d like paint for my house, and for my windows,  birdseed, and money for pots to plant my irises in … simple stuff – and a bit of peace. I want to get up, say Thank you, and have it not be forced through the mesh of someone else’s upset. 

And today is Kay’s birthday.  I don’t get to feel about THAT either.

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3 down…

Kaiha has decided she doesn’t want to see me again after she picks up her dog. I hate to say the feeling is mutual, but it is. She doesn’t understand how she uses people on a personal level. I’m tired of being called names when our needs don’t sync up. I get it on both sides because Steve pressures me as well. Thing is, Kaiha is an adult outside my home, and Steve is my husband – and while he’s recovering from the stroke,  he is my responsibility. I’m so tired of needing to SAY “take your shit and go on.” My home would have peace if my daughter were responsible instead of flighty… I have her dog which tears stuff up and fights mine. My screens, my carpet, all the toys are destroyed, he growls at my husband for sneezing. 45 days has turned into 9 months. I am not ok with this. She may be setting a world record, but it feels like it’s happening at my expense. Definitely at ALL the dog’s expenses. Because I’m not in her cheering section, I’m accused of being emotionally abusive. WHATEVER.  I am done. V is pretty quiet and doesn’t say much. Taryn and G … time will tell. My middle three … I give them to the ALL. May they find their own peace.

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Making things work…

Unless I’m off somewhere and don’t know it, it looks like I have money to make it to the end of the month with! That will keep us in bread and milk. What a blessing. Meds figured in and all bills covered. Food is mostly boxes and cans still, but it’s not horrid.
Last night we had cornbread, cooked (from frozen) turnip greens and broccoli slaw – for anyone who hasn’t tried it, TRY broccoli slaw! You take the part of the stalks you wouldn’t normally use and run them through the food processor with a carrot, hand dice a bit of onion and make ‘sauce’ with mayo, tabasco, and a bit of sugar. It stretches the fresh food budget and adds fiber to the diet and is very tasty. It’s become one of our favorites. It also lets me make 2 meals from the same head of broccoli 🙂
I picked up a very small London Broil on special for $3 a couple weeks ago and we’ll have meat tonight. I’m going to try to figure a way to crockpot it. I’m thinking tomatoes and green beans with it over potatoes. The Dollar Tree has been carrying 18 count eggs for $1 and as long as you don’t think about it too hard, it’s a wonderful deal. Cheap protein.
My thoughts on GMOs and caged and no antibiotics etc really hurt my heart when we are scrubbing (it’s a bit different from scrounging, lol. I compromise everyday and I hate it. I think about the stories of old people eating dog food we’ve read over the years and we aren’t there. I am grateful. I just worry about the inflammation and fibromyalgia and other health issues that I know come from diet. I tried to raise some food but the city mulch had no nutrients in it and aside from two squash, a handful of okra, and 3 green beans, it yielded nothing. We are going to remove it from the beds, fill in the depressions in the yard, and buy some soil this coming year.
Next year, I plan to have staggered sized containers in a bed with a brick wall in front of it. I think it’s a lovely look – I’m going to draw it out and will post a picture of what I mean, later. I have irises to put in the ground and I think they will be lovely right in front of the brick “wall”, but I need to check on their light requirements 🙂 We have moles here that tunnel under the sidewalk and through the yard. I hope to deter them with plants. I’m thinking of interspersing citronella for the terrible amount of mosquitos and gnats we get here, too. I want a reel mower in the worst way. I’d also like the hedges removed and the Nandina pulled up. These darn plants shoot up everywhere. I have so many crepe myrtles to deal with that I’m sure I can train those into hedges instead. I want to see if I can propagate some cuttings from the hydrangea bush in the back yard and plant about 6 of them along the left side of the front yard as a block between us and the abandoned yard next door. I have a lot of plans if Steve will settle down and stop hating our house. I’ve decided to paint the window panes inside the house with green and add flowers as a block to the view as well. This is a lovely home in the Historic district in Rocky Mount and to give it up would be foolish. A short fence in parts and a cottage garden type look would keep me busy and the City happy and neighbors unconcerned.
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This old world just keeps on turning….

We have a truce. He’ll stay until he’s well enough to leave, then he’s going off to deal with unfinished business. Who knew I’d have to let go of my dreams to save them? Maybe he’ll come back, hopefully he gets things repaired with his daughters. He wants to sell the house or trade it. 

Actually,  he’s so much better this week that when I’m not looking at him, I could almost forget the stroke. Doctor said the manic emotions are right on point for his healing. Tonight, he’s tired too. 2-4 hours isn’t much sleep for either of us. He made me get up with him at 4:15 this morning.  I could kill him, but his lip quivered and he said I’m all he has. So I made him tea and let him talk.

This thing called stroke is wicked.

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​My husband: so close to being better but the mind has developed an irrational blip. Screaming out in anger, slamming the cane, working out how I am responsible for things gone wrong since my infancy in ways that can never be forgiven. His mind is able to remember everything he has ever experienced and he forgives nothing and no one. He is the smartest man in the world and he is leaving me. Convinced he can go back to his old house and fix it and sell it with no money, no job, he can’t drive, the house is ransacked and empty and moving through foreclosure. HE is going back. The man I fell in love with was kind and generous and is gone. He didn’t die. He may even recover from his stroke. I can’t understand because I didn’t have it. My heart isn’t broken today…it crumbled 8 months ago. I want him to go. I’ve had enough too. God forgive me. I’ve had enough.

Doctor’s appointment is on Tuesday. Without the stress of me and my grown kids who don’t deserve to live, he will probably decide he doesn’t need his medicine. 

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