Enabler

omg…now I’m an enabler. I practice being kind and loving and letting my family come to their own decisions in their own time – and now I enable. There is no winning. I am so angry right now I can’t stand it. People take advantage of me knowing I am the support and lover through the darkness in their lives, and right now I want to tell them all to…. and I can’t say it.

Make your own oatmeal. Make your own sandwiches. Get your dog. Get a job. Go to f-ing bed. Get up when it’s daytime. Empty the trash. Wash your own grunge from the toilet. Clean your own side table. Open the door and come out of your room! Don’t tell me I said you could sit there or not come here for another year….don’t tell me I said you can sit in a chair and loose your legs. Stop blaming me and do what you should do. This means husband AND kids.

That handicapped sign is MINE not Steve’s. I push through so much f-ing back pain without a word to anyone. When I go down which I know is coming sooner because of caregiving, what will happen to us all? I could scream and there is no point. My son, my husband, my daughter, other people… what do I have stamped on my forehead? FOOL? NO. I do not. I am kind giving and I love selfish, taking, using people.

It is YOUR place to be responsible for yourself. You know darn well you are using me. Stop it! Just because I love you doesn’t mean you get to sit there and whine how you CAN’T and leave me to clean your mess. I live here too so I clean it up – all of it because I can’t stand it while you grieve your trash.

Enabler… F* that. Wives and mothers and carers are all enablers I guess. Just growl… If I did what I wanted, I’d have a home of my own that no one cried about hating day in and day out. I’d not have anyone here but my dogs. I’d see my grandkids and not have to be bombarded with negative chatter all day. I’d have my table in the dining room and a desk for the computer. I’d have an attic with only christmas ornaments in it. I’d rent a room to someone to help me be able to take care of MY needs. I wouldn’t have to fight someone constantly to get up and walk around.

I’d go walk into the yarn store. I’d take a class. I’d play my guitar. I wouldn’t have a tv on 24/7. I wouldn’t have a tv at all or a cable bill. I would be making payments on a car that I like instead of one easy for someone else to get into. I want to sing with my music and have someone love me enough to come to me for a change. I want to sleep in the dark.

I’ve given my whole life to other people who call me selfish, who close doors in my face and say the meanest things and I give it to GOD because it is my place to LOVE.

Enabler… I feel like Jesus when he threw the money changers tables over… forgive … love… turn the other cheek. When is it my turn to be loved and valued? I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a grandmother. No one gives a hoot but ME. I get to be the poor grandma and I can see from pictures the little things I gather are not needed and too simple. I’m tired of having people blame me for their own sh**.

I go to my pen and to my knees and I will gently put ME away again. I want to sit outside and drum to my God until my hands are numb.

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YEP… this

http://tcat.tc/2qFuRIh

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sigh

Steve was in the kitchen and I thought he was making a sandwich (after feeding half of his dinner to the dogs). I tried to talk to him about saving what he doesn’t feel like eating for later, instead of giving it to them and he started crying again. He’s so clear most of the time but I can’t forget he’s damaged, ever, and that makes it so hard.

He wants to be in charge of spending money because I run out at the end of the month – but he’s got one goal. Get away from Rocky Mount. It’s so frustrating. Like a broken record. Our house is paid for. I had to pay to have the yard done this month and I’m out of money. I have nothing – not even for bread until one of the checks comes at the beginning of June. He acts like I’m telling him he’s doing something wrong and really I’m not. I’m asking him to be aware of it and help me make things last. It has nothing to do with selling this house!!!

2:30 in the morning and this is what I’m awake over. I could shake something! I just want some sleep.

Back to bed at 3:30. Up at 7.

I hope I’m strong enough to handle all the blessings in my life. The ones that call for my attention in the early morning, are the BEST, but hardest to embrace. My patience, love and compassion are intact. Praise God for EVERYTHING that builds my character and faith. Praise Him for prayers answered in times of anguish and during all the days of my life. Praise Him even when I can’t see the road ahead through my stupid tears. What I want is what You know to be best God.

That inner voice kicks in with “want in one hand, spit in the other and see which gets full the fastest.

I am 3 dollars away from stopping a bounced check – Amazon Prime has sent a thank you for your payment letter. 3 days early.

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A stroke changes things

If I’m not careful, the little things nitpick my mind.

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Call me Dory

All day hubby has talked nonstop and loudly. I never want him to feel bad, but he doesn’t understand I need some quiet. I’m not focusing well on things and he started crying because he can’t understand himself. He keeps talking about how this house needs work and we shouldn’t have bought it. When he started saying how WE need to pull the vinyl up in the kitchen, I didn’t want to hear it. He mean’s ME, I need to do it. I can’t. The list of household needs continues to grow, while the money doesn’t. The kitchen sink needs the piping fixed. The deck is sagging. The shed is falling down. The dishwasher isn’t working. The yard needs landscaping. The baseboards need washing and so does the car. The window glass needs replacing.

Last night, G broke down the boxes for recycling and put them in the can like I asked, then didn’t pull the can to the road for pick up today. I just shake my head. So freaking literal.

I feel like Dory. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

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Gotta go outside.

Gotta get away.

 

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! ┬áSomeone is gonna loose hair! I’m gonna pull it out! Yell, noise, cry, talk non-stop.

 

I need sleep and silence.

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damn stroke

Of all the things this stroke has stolen, it’s our family togetherness, my mate and lover, and my friend, that I miss the most.

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