As happy as I am that Steve is still with me, there are things that make this very difficult. He is not the same. It’s like he has these extreme opinions without the extreme intelligence to hold the opinion. I know that probably doesn’t make sense.
He was up until 2:30, cried till 6, got up at 9. He’s crying about the cats and every little thing. What’s wrong Steve? Nothing. But it’s the not crying after stroke thing, it’s depression. He stays in another room and WAILS. Then he started crying about the birds not having food. he told me I have to clear the stairs before I go down. I couldn’t stand the crying. I got so ticked over the urgency that I told him I’d take care of the snow with my laser eyes and dashed out in my socks. I took the bird seed down the steps, the feeder top was frozen shut. So I threw some on the ground and ran back inside. Wooh the wind is brisk!
He got up to plug in his phone, almost fell over from not walking in 3 days which is MY FAULT according to him. He’s been crying for every reason under the (lack of) sun. I ordered cable because he’s crying over the football game. He won’t shower. He’s crying over almost peeing on himself because of urgency. He doesn’t pee on himself, just squalls on the way down the hall in case he does it.
I haven’t had a hug in weeks. No love, no sex, no support. I’m so mad at Lisa I could spit. Kaiha’s not coming for her dog. Maybe someday she will, but now she has a BF she’s worried about staying with. She’s heading to AZ to stay with Lisa’s Ian. Lisa has the nerve to tell me she can’t handle my life and I need a blog and to keep stuff off of FB because it’s too hard on her. REALLY? I told her I couldn’t believe what she was saying to me. She said that I’m being vindictive and wanting everyone else to hurt too and she doesn’t know me anymore. She stopped being my FRIEND when Kansas went to prison 15 yrs ago. She gives hit and run advice because she has a friend who had a stroke and he takes care of himself better than Steve does. I could pull HER hair out! I know she doesn’t read what I write or she’d of never paid for my daughter to visit at a time when I NEEDED her to be responsible. Even at 31 my daughter is still throwing chaos into my life and I look like the crazy one. fuck that. I’ve blocked her from seeing my posts but i’ve lost my outlet because I worry that she’s right.
And all the time, Steve struggles and people applaud the idea of counseling when all that does is tear open the wound for someone else and I have to go on and live with it because Steve’s mind is what it is. I can’t undo, unthink, unsee, unfeel this crap. 3 hours of some social worker listening isn’t going to fix anything. It just lays it open so Steve can feel the pain again. He’s not right no matter what anyone says. It’s either crying or talking nonstop in that opinionated fashion demanding I agree with him over Donald Trump and the horribleness of the liberals. OMG. My mind needs silence.
I have been trying to keep my head down as this year closes out because it’s been hard with all the FB posts about loss and how ugly 2016 has been and all the politics still hitting hard and now the New year with it’s resolutions – I’m not a resolution maker. Never have been. A lady I’ve known for several years posted one of those “Feed your soul – manifest your intentions after writing down your year’s experiences” posts and I found myself thinking and writing as I’m prone to do – I need someplace to put it and thought maybe HERE would be a good place.
*I couldn’t even begin to write down all that happened in this past year in one setting. It was the hardest single year of my life that I get to package into ‘one year’. Relationships changed, I changed.
My husband’s stroke was discovered on Christmas Eve of 2015 and made me move into the role of caregiver for a second time. I had sworn I’d never do it again. Always, always, the things I say I’ll never do come back and hit me square in the face. Caring for my mate I found I didn’t like either of us sometimes and my personal goals were drawn by circumstance rather than by ME. 2016 has had a real cruel edge to it instead of the gentle flow I always ‘think’ is the way to do things.
I made terrible decisions because of misinformation. By terrible, I mean huge, frightening decisions. I was lied to, mislead, and used. I walked away from personal belongings and planned income. I had to abandon 10 cats. I faced my own necessary lies. I became the head of my household. I lost friends and was lifted up by friends.
We faced crushing loss and looked family abuse and drugs in the face, again. We had to pick apart the truth of generational mistakes, draw lines, and bare our souls. Intimacy took on a different meaning. Forgiveness became the word of the day for months on end. My rose colored glasses broke all to pieces, but I realize, it was time. The year ultimately became about relationships – the good, the bad, the ugly, the sad and the restored.
I see light in the coming year. I think that while the forced change felt like a slash and burn, the results on the near horizon are pretty amazing. I’m not liking the “frame” of loss when I look back on 2016, but maybe that has more to do with AGE, aging, and personal/emotional/health ‘care’ than anything else.
It’s written that time and chance happen to all of us, but how we respond to it is up to us, don’t you think? I’m looking forward to looking FORWARD. I’m ready to claim the promises of restoration. I’ve always relied on outlines, (A.B.C., 1. 2. 3.) in the past. I have different plans for this coming year. I’m imagining myself holding the colors and leaving the details of the big picture to my Creator. Today, I see the wisdom in HIS design, over my own. So bring it on 2017. I can honestly say I’m ready for the lessons and revelations. *
Had a nice morning enjoying Steve’s time in bed. I seldom get time by myself. I did some herbal study and bought a small bit of henna for my hair. I worked a little bit on the crocheted airplane I’m making for Haskell. I also started a slip stitch scarf in purple and gray, and got laundry started and dishes done. I watered the herbs and checked the fluids in the car. I poured baking soda on the carpet where Salt keeps pooping. Lastly, I made chicken salad for Steve’s lunch. I’ve picked up the dishes and wiped counters, made popcorn and sat back down. Here I am blogging and ready to pick up my needles. It’s a beautiful Saturday.
I’m such a simple person. I’m an intovert unless I need and I mean NEED not to be. I’m the person who gets over stuff until my face is rubbed in the mess 100 times. Probably I’m full of selfishness.
I cry over my kids and always wonder how different things might have been If I’d realized I was as important in their lives as their father. I miss relationships that didn’t develop. I miss grandchildren I never see. I am to be estranged from another grown child over a dog – and I think how ironic that a dog is what my mother and grandmother ‘s relationship broke over. Steve was talking about my lack of boundaries again last night and how I let myself be used at a time I had no right to say YES. I get angry at him when he says that, but in a way, he’s right. I crossed a line when HE needed protecting. I told him that it wouldn’t matter if he died right then, I’m done being disrespected and called names. This thing with my daughter- the latest update states how she entrusted her dog to me WHICH IS A LIE – she dropped him off at my house, with her brother who almost starved the dog because of his Aspergers and I wasn’t there for 3 months because of the stroke and rehab. I look like a nut who gave consent and then in the middle of her project is being unreasonable and messing things up. She was supposed to be gone and back in 45 days. We even threatened to not let her have the dog back except he doesn’t fit in with ours. He came with fleas which we can’t afford to treat, he fights over food and pushes for dominance, he shits on my carpet. And still we love on him, but he senses he’s out of place.
Even when she comes, maybe next week, she’s homeless, no car, I can only hope she has a place to go…and we have to close our minds to what happens to this dog that deserves so much better and to another daughter. Sigh…Kaiha is beating the record for the fastest time on the AT but she didn’t follow the rules so it will be unofficial. What good is that? I’m sure the experience has been life altering, but it’s ending. Now she says she never wants to see me again after she gets the dog and I’m to the point I don’t care. She says I am emotionally abusing her for saying I dont want her and her dog. I feel like the sacrifice we were forced to make (by her not coming as agreed) has been for nothing. Of course they blame Steve for me setting any boundaries at all and I’ve had the fact I left them with their dad used as excuse to call me an asshole AGAIN… I get that my kids don’t like him, but he’s not the problem. He’s my problem, but not THE problem. The lack of respect they have towards anyone not themselves is the problem. I say they…but it crops up individually… and they are a group.
Yesterday I came across a picture of Olive. The only one I ever got of kayla’s baby girl . A couple of weeks ago, V and I talked about how they will pay for me to visit when I can leave Steve and G. Who knows if that will ever happen? I know I think too much.
You know what I want? A Doctor Who knitting marathon, real food instead of crap, and my meds which I can’t afford. I’d like paint for my house, and for my windows, birdseed, and money for pots to plant my irises in … simple stuff – and a bit of peace. I want to get up, say Thank you, and have it not be forced through the mesh of someone else’s upset.
And today is Kay’s birthday. I don’t get to feel about THAT either.
Kaiha has decided she doesn’t want to see me again after she picks up her dog. I hate to say the feeling is mutual, but it is. She doesn’t understand how she uses people on a personal level. I’m tired of being called names when our needs don’t sync up. I get it on both sides because Steve pressures me as well. Thing is, Kaiha is an adult outside my home, and Steve is my husband – and while he’s recovering from the stroke, he is my responsibility. I’m so tired of needing to SAY “take your shit and go on.” My home would have peace if my daughter were responsible instead of flighty… I have her dog which tears stuff up and fights mine. My screens, my carpet, all the toys are destroyed, he growls at my husband for sneezing. 45 days has turned into 9 months. I am not ok with this. She may be setting a world record, but it feels like it’s happening at my expense. Definitely at ALL the dog’s expenses. Because I’m not in her cheering section, I’m accused of being emotionally abusive. WHATEVER. I am done. V is pretty quiet and doesn’t say much. Taryn and G … time will tell. My middle three … I give them to the ALL. May they find their own peace.